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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

    You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
     
    #6141 Rudolph Hart, Feb 26, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a tranquilliser gun, and a Dachshund.

    The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls."

    The man asks, "But what's the tranquilliser gun for?"

    The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you tranquilise the Dachshund."
     
    #6142 Rudolph Hart, Feb 26, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. Paddy walks into a cafe and sees the sign above the counter:

    Cheese Roll 10p
    Ham Roll 20p
    A Wank £10

    He then sees a beautiful young woman who works there with a killer body and huge tits. He says "Do you give the wanks?"
    She says "Yes i do".
    He says "Well wash your hands, I want 2 cheese rolls".
     
    #6143 Pavey, Feb 27, 2017
    • Like Like x 4
    • Funny Funny x 3
  4. Went to a climbing centre yesterday, but some bugger had stolen all the grips from the wall.

    Honestly, you couldn't make it up.
     
    #6144 Rudolph Hart, Feb 27, 2017
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. I'll never forget my granddad's last words:

    "Stop shaking the ladder you little sod."
     
    #6145 Rudolph Hart, Feb 27, 2017
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. My mate Ray was telling me about when he was in the armed forces and taking his first parachute jump.

    He said "When I got to the door I couldn't jump, so the huge instructor unzipped his fly, drops out a good 14" and says to me "If you don't jump you're gonna get this right up your arse."

    'Did you jump?' I asked

    'A bit, when it first went in."
     
    #6146 wroughtironron, Mar 3, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  7. My mate said his Viagra pills weren't working so he looked at the packet & realised they were past their swell by date.
     
    #6147 Rudolph Hart, Mar 3, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead."

    His workmates said, "Fucking hell, Paddy, what happened?"

    Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open"
     
    #6148 wroughtironron, Mar 20, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 4
  9. I was chatting with my neighbour yesterday about what we would be having for lunch when he asked me what the difference was between a chickpea and a lentil.

    I replied "well I've never had a lentil on my face"
     
    #6149 El Toro, Mar 20, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
    • Face Palm Face Palm x 1
  10. Ken Dodd has 2 new Diddy Men:

    Diddy Pay and Diddy Feck.
     
    #6150 Rudolph Hart, Mar 20, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. "New" if we were in 1989.
     
    #6151 Pete1950, Mar 20, 2017
    • Like Like x 1
  12. I'm too young to remember that far back! ;)

    Received the following by text this morning:

    'DON'T FORGET: The clocks go forward one hour on Sunday 26th March.
    Then they go back sixty years on Wednesday 29th March.'
     
    #6152 Rudolph Hart, Mar 21, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  13. After retrieving my badly damaged luggage at the airport, I went straight to my lawyer's office and told him I wanted to sue the airline. He said, "You don't have much of a case."
     
    #6153 Rudolph Hart, Mar 21, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Taken from a 1962 Honda Motor Cycle Owner's Manual.
    Translated by Honda for the American Motorcycle Rider

    1. At the rise of the hand by Policeman, stop rapidly.
    Do not pass him by or otherwise disrespect him.

    2. When a passenger of the foot, hooves in sight, tootel the horn
    trumpet melodiously at first. If he still obstacles your passage,
    tootel him with vigor and express by word of mouth, warning Hi, Hi.

    3. Beware of the wandering horse that he shall not take
    fright as you pass him. Do not explode the exhaust box at him.
    Go soothingly by.

    4. Give big space to the festive dog that makes sport
    in roadway. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

    5. Go soothingly on the grease mud, as there lurks the
    skid demon! Press the brake foot as you roll around
    the corners, and save the collapse and tie up.

    (Shamelessly lifted from the Internet,and repeated,for your information.....)
     
    #6154 Lightning_650, Mar 22, 2017
    • Like Like x 3
  15. The nerdy head of IT at work asked me what my favourite Apple product was.

    So I replied, "Cider."
     
    #6155 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2017
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "fancy a shag Babe?"

    I said, "after the football love"

    She said, "you do realise that you can record it?"

    I said, "nice, you set up the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
     
    #6156 DTScooby, Mar 22, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Been banned from the pub after shouting out the answer to one of the questions in the pub quiz last night:

    'Name a 4 letter word describing a female relative, it ends in UNT.'

    Apparently the correct answer was 'Aunt'....
     
    #6157 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  18. A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello my name is Carmen"

    "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" He replied

    "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the the things that I enjoy most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen"

    "What's your name?" She asked.

    He answered " B.J Titsengolf".
     
    #6158 DTScooby, Mar 22, 2017
    • Like Like x 2
  19. My mate told me he woke up to a blow job this morning.

    He said it was his own fault for falling asleep on the train with his mouth open.
     
    #6159 Rudolph Hart, Mar 22, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  20. The first-mate on a ship decided to celebrate his birthday a bit too much with a night on the town, where the ship had docked. The following morning he was still drunk; realising this, the captain wrote in the ship’s log ‘The first-mate was drunk today.’

    The first-mate pleaded with the captain to erase the entry, as he knew this would affect his prospects of promotion to captain. The captain asked the first-mate if the entry in the ship’s log was true. The first-mate agreed that the statement was true. At this, the captain explained that since it is true, it has to go in the ship’s log.

    A few days later it was the first-mate’s responsibility to make the entry in the ship’s log, he wrote ‘The ship seems in particularly good shape – the captain was sober today.
     
    #6160 wroughtironron, Mar 23, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 2
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