Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
The wife said she would like some chocolate and a surprise for Christmas. One Kinder Egg later - all sorted!
"What's your Father's occupation.?" i was asked at School. "He's a Magician, Miss". I said. "How interesting. What's his favourite trick"..??? "He saws people in half Miss." "Golly Gosh..! Now, have you any brothers or sisters"..??? "One half brother and two half sisters, Miss"..
Q. Which famous composer also had a brief career as a footballer? A. Vivaldi - he played four seasons.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the Captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our £2,000 rate bill yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They'll find us."
I told my wife that I've decided to donate all my money to victims of rape. She tried to talk me out of it but I won't take no for an answer!
Smirnoff Vodka have launched their Oscar Pistorius advent calendar: There's a shot behind every door.
One of our daughters was conceived in an Ikea bed. Apparently we are still not welcome back in that store...
Archaeologists claim to have found evidence of a gay dinosaur: The Gotasaurarse. They also think they may have proved the existence of a lesbian dinosaur: The Lictolotopus.
The wife said I can be a right bastard sometimes. So I told her I'd choose Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
There was a boy Olivier who worked in the supermarket as a greengrocer. A middle aged big guy came into market and asked to buy half a head of a leek. Olivier told him that they only sell whole heads of leeks, but the big guy replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half. Olivier explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back management office, found the manager and said, “There is a jackass out there who wants to buy only a half a head of leeks.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the big scary-looking guy standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”. The manager approved the request and the scary-looking guy went on his way. Later on the manager said to Olivier, “You almost got yourself in a big trouble, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You are ingenious and we like that kind of employee around here. Where are you from son?” Olivier replied,“Argentina sir”. “Oh, really ? Why did you leave Argentina ?”asked the manager. Olivier replied, “They’re all just whores and football players up there.” “ My wife is from Argentina.”, the manager said. Olivier replied, “That’s incredible. Which team did she play for ?"
Rode my bicycle to the off licence last night & bought a nice bottle of single malt. I started off for home with the bottle under my arm, but I was worried about safety - it could get broken if I took a tumble. So I stopped and drank the whole bottle before resuming the ride. Turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off 7 times on the ride home.
