A woman baked two cakes to sell at the village fete. One was priced at £5 and the other at £10. When asked what the £10 cake was, the woman replied, "That's madeira cake."
I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother last tonight, thinking all that fat lazy wanker has done is lay on the sofa scratching his balls and moaning. Then I realised the TV wasn't even on... and it was just the reflection off the screen.
I don't believe in beating my kids. So I make them wear Justin Bieber T shirts and crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
My wife asked me to show her my feminine side. So I went outside & spent an hour trying to park the car.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body. They pulled the sheet back to show her face. "I can't be certain." I told them. The sheet went back a bit further to reveal her breasts. "Sorry, but I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off and I had a good look. "That's definitely not her, Officer. My wife's not black."
I was watching a documentary about breastfeeding when I asked, "Mum, was I breastfed as a baby?" "You sure were," she said. "Did it hurt?" I asked. "I don't know," she replied. "Ask your Gran."
Now the Church of England has agreed gay clergy can become bishops but only so long as they are celibate, it has provided this helpful list of what a gay bishop can and cannot do: • Gay bishops and their partners are allowed to hold hands on the sofa but snuggling while watching Downton Abbey is forbidden. • When greeting their partner, gay bishops may kiss them once and only on the cheek. Twice or on the mouth is too gay. • Holding hands across the table in restaurants is forbidden, but footsie under the table is OK. • Thick flannel pyjamas must be worn in bed at all times and they must lie facing away from each other. • When sharing a milkshake, gay bishops and their partners must use two straws. • The phrases “I love you”, “you are my one and only” and “you look nice today, have you done something to your hair?” are banned. • Gay bishops and their partners must immediately dispose of all Erasure and Pet Shop Boys CDs and replace them with Katherine Jenkins and Michael Buble.
Howard Webb has been announced as the referee during next weeks Manchester United victory over Liverpool.
A man called his wife from A&E & told her his finger had been cut off in an accident at work in the factory. "Oh my God!" Cried the wife. "Not the whole finger?" "No," said the man, "The one next to it."
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 60-year-old. We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No." We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place. She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Little lad gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part"
Q. What's the difference between a cabinet minister and an arsehole? A. An arsehole does give a shit.
I rang a girl I used to date & asked her if she was free on Friday night. She said, "No, but my prices are reasonable."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
