true! a local one here is "my girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it smells, so I took her to Widnes" guess it can be used to replace Widnes with you local smelly town (chemical plants in/around Widnes tend to cause unusual aromas)
A chap stopped me in the street and asked if there was a B&Q in Nottingham. I said, "Dunno, I was never much good at spelling."
A lady went to the doctor for her yearly exam. Doc: How much do you weigh? Lady: 135 pounds Nurse put her on scale, it turns out her weight is 180 pounds. Doc: Your height? Lady: 5 foot 4. Nurse checked and it was 5 foot 2. She then took her blood pressure and told her it is very high. “Of course it is high.” She screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I’m fuckin' short and fat!"
Someone said that I look like one of the Proclaimers...I said "don't be a twat..how can I look look like one of them..they are identical twins"
The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya freakin' want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump his dumb ass on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."
This morning a scientist perfected a bra that stops breasts from jiggling up and down, and prevents nipples from sticking out in cold weather. By lunchtime his colleagues had kicked his fecking head in.
A guy walks into a London pub... Can I use the Wi-Fi please? Barman: Yeah sure. What's the code? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. Oh, OK. I'll have a pint of that craft ale and some of those salted Wasabi nuts. Barman: We've just run out of the Wasabi nuts I'm afraid. Would the retro selection of salt and vinegar do instead? Great, yes that will do. How much is that? Barman: Thirteen pounds fifty please sir. You take contactless? Barman: Yes we do. There you go. Barman: Need a receipt sir? No that's great thanks. Barman: Great. So what's the Wi-Fi password please? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. All lower case.
One day, Mary's husband Paddy, came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," Mary told him. "I was pressing your suit Paddy, and I burned a big feckin hole in the seat of your trousers". "Forget it," says Paddy consoling Mary. "Don't you remember, that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit"..??? "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," says Mary, drying her eyes. "Cos, I used dem ones to patch the hole"..
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it." Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: " No,the head"
Went to the theatre last night & there was a naked lady ventriloquist on the bill. Nobody saw her lips move.
The local vicar gave a talk to his male parishioners club on "sex within marriage". When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed "horseback riding" with the other members. A few days later, his wife ran into some of the members at the local shopping mall, and they complimented her on the interesting talk her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was very surprised about his subject matter, as he's only tried it twice before - The first time he tried it he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off"
The man who invented cat's eyes in the road had the idea when he saw a cat's eyes illuminated in his headlights. If the cat had been walking the other way, the man would have invented the pencil sharpener.
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
We can all laugh at the English teams paltry performance of 58 runs, until you realise that NZ hold the world record for the lowest test cricket innings, 26 runs, vs England, Auckland, March 1955.
