My gran went into the corner shop & asked for a pound of sugar. The shopkeeper explained, "Sorry love, it's kilos these days." "Ok." Said Gran. "I'll take a pound of kilos."
Sam died. His Will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Three carats."
Breaking news: Sunderland have turned down a £70 million sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer. The F.A. said it would be taking the piss to have 'Winalot' on their shirts.
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, ‘Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?’ Gödel replies, ‘We can't know that because we're inside the joke.’ Chomsky says, ‘Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.’
Ivan Pavlov is sitting in a pub enjoying a beer when he hears a phone start ringing, so he jumps up and shouts, ‘Oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!’
This is a mean joke: A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go out shooting. The biologist shoots at a stag and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, so the statistician shouts, ‘We got him!’
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a cafe in Paris, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waiter, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waiter replies, "Pardon Monsieur, but we're out of cream. Would you take it with no milk?”
My mate has both a male and a female Daschund. He told me that when the female is in season & the male starts getting frisky, he just puts the female upstairs. "Doesn't he just follow her?" I asked. My mate replied, "He'll certainly try, but have you ever seen a Daschund with a hard on trying to climb the stairs?"
It's true that animals suffer from Dementia just like us, 'cos after having this explained to me at the hospital i got home and my dog had forgotten my name.
Injury Lawyers for U are rubbish. When my mate's girlfriend cut herself on his garden fence last week, they asked him to send a photo of her gash. He'll be appearing in court next week...
My young niece told me they listened to a broadcast on the radio at school: She said, "We learned about the true meaning of Easter from The Archbishop of Cadbury."
Just found out my uncle has left me a stately home in his will. I have no idea where Sod Hall is, I'm just off to Google it now!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running."
