Q. What's the difference between American beer & making love in a canoe? A. No difference, they're both fucking close to water.
Q. Why does American beer go through your system so quickly? A. It doesn't have to stop to change colour.
The wife and I were having a stroll in the park, when we passed a young couple passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" she asked me. I replied, "I don't even know that woman."
I've just heard on the news we're expecting floods after the recent snow. This year's going quick, I didn't realise it was fucking summer already.
My Jewish neighbour called at my door today. "Can I borrow your Hoover? There's a bloody big spider in my house," he asked. "Going to kill the bugger?" I laughed. "Not at all," he replied. "But if it's staying in mine it'll earn its fucking keep!"
Fathers to be often ask me, "How soon can I have sex after the baby is born?" I always reply, "It depends on whether your wife is in a public or a private ward."
The Royal Mail's commemorative stamp on prostitution has proved unpopular. Apparently it costs more if you want to lick it.
I have a new religion - I go around knocking on doors trying to convince people not to eat Warburton's or Kingsmill. I'm a Hovis Witness.
My mate says his new girlfriend told him he makes love like he decorates. "What, slow & professional?" I said. "No." He said, "fast & sloppy and she has to finish the job herself."
Male/Female Definitions 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male.... A device for scanning through all 999 channels every 5 minutes.
I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'emergency stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did, and this bloke went flying.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated . Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Damn ... Is it midnight already?'
