Tom goes to Frederick's of Mayfair (Lingerie Suppliers to the Stars). to buy Margaret, his wife, the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is £200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says Tom . "This one is £350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's £500." "I'll take it!" Tom goes home to Margaret and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." Margaret goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So Margaret comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for £500, they'd at least have ironed the fucking thing!"
Brilliant programme on Channel 4 tomorrow night about doggy-style sex. If you miss it, you can watch it on all 4s.
The Englishman left because he was told that the Scotsman and the Irishman were getting free drinks and he was paying for them,along with drinks for the Polish,Czechs,etc,and he'd run out of cash
A word of advice to any cannibals out there...If you're eating Gladys Knight watch out for the Pips!!
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a circle... Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who broke the light bulb? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb? Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Make me.
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen Bozo, I have to get up in the morning. You don't"...
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed.... "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
I invited my mate round to the house after work today. As I walked through the door my wife started yelling, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you invite him round for?" "He's thinking of getting married." I replied.
"Have you ever seen a Twenty Pound note all crumpled up?"...a woman asked her husband. "No"...said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Pound Note. He took the crumpled Twenty Pound Note from her and smiled approvingly. "Have you ever seen Fifty Pounds all crumpled up?"She then asked her husband? "Uh...no, I haven’t” he said (with an anxious tone in his voice). She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her underwear and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Pound Note. He took the crumpled Fifty Pound Note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 Pounds all crumpled up?" "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more excited). "Well go look in the garage!"...she said
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son to the local out for his first pint. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a pint of Best, but he didn't like that either, so I drank it. I thought he might like a Lager? He didn't. so I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I ordered a Bells, and a rare single malt. He wouldn't even sniff either. What could I do but drink them both? By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scottish whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full fry up: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage beans Tomato & mushrooms with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you". He said, "Fuck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A man went to a strip club, and when he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. ‘Yeah baby! Shake those things.’ Our friend turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, calm down!’ After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off herdress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, ‘Oh baby! You're almost there!’ Our friend again turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!’ A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, ‘Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?’ The guy responded, ‘It's all over your back, dude.’
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green. Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green. The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it. Startled, the eagle dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turned to the old man and said: “Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."
A blonde woman walked down to the edge of the river and seen another blonde woman on the other side. The blonde on the other side yells "how do I get on the other side" The first blonde looks up and down the river then yells back "You already are"
USA Health Care A guy suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store and the store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he had been taken to, and a nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment? "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "How dare you - Nuns are not spinsters! - Nuns are married to God." "Perfect - Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
One of the fellows at work said he & his wife have just had their first baby, and they want to name it something original. I suggested 'Werther's'...
