A man gets home from the pub and his wife is watching an old black and white film. "Just look at that." She said, "In the bedroom, not a hint of sex going on.“ "There won't be.” Replied the husband, "They’re married.”
A man and his girlfriend are having sex every night & the same old routine is starting to get boring. So as she’s a big girl, she suggests he sticks his foot inside her to see if that spices things up. The man takes off his shoe and sock and rams his foot up her flange. She squeals with delight and so he continues on a nightly basis giving her a good ‘footing’. After a couple of weeks the lad notices a rash on his foot and hobbles off to see the doctor. The doc takes a look and says, "It looks like you’ve got VD of the foot!" The man asks if this is common, so the doctor scratches his head and says, "I’ve never seen anything like it in my life! It’s strange though, I’ve just had a girl in here with athlete's fanny!"
My mate just received a text on his phone with a photo of his wife modelling her sexy new underwear. "She reminds me of my little toe." He said. "Is that because you think she's small & cute?" I asked. "No." He replied. "It's because I'm going to bang her on the coffee table later."
Woke up this morning after a heavy session in the pub with the lads & saw a brown thing running round my garden. Apparently it’s the fence...
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! - I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? - Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down " says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
BBC to stop free TV licences for the over 75's. Sad to put Grandma in a home, but she's no longer any use to me.
My mate Dave was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His wife, his daughter, 2 sons and his nurse were with him at his home. He asked for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all was ready Dave began to speak: "My son Dave Jnr, I want you to take the houses in Birkby." "My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Edgerton." "My son Tom, I want you to take the offices in the town centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the centre of Leeds and Manchester" The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They hadn't realised the extent of Dave's wealth. As he slipped away the nurse turned to Dave's wife and said, "My deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?” Dave's wife replied. “The bastard had a window cleaning round."
Great News… a brand new car is being launched tomorrow in Portugal, which now includes space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann
Paddy ran into the pub shouting, “Mick, some scrote’s just stolen your car!” Mick replied, “Bejesus Paddy, did you see who did it? Paddy said, “No Mick, but I got their registration number.”
