A little boy in a primary school in Lancashire, gets to take his pet kittens into class. The teacher says "How cute Tommy, and what do they like to do?" Tommy says "Well Miss, they like to watch football games featuring Manchester United" A few weeks later, the teacher asks what the kittens are up to. Tommy says "They like watching Liverpool football games Miss" Teacher says "I thought you said they were Manchester United fans Tommy?" "They were, but their eyes have opened Miss"
"What are you doing?" Asked my wife. “Putting plastic mice on the lawn to keep away elephants." There's no bloody elephants out there.” she snarled. Of course not.” I replied, "I've put the plastic mice out."
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
Just seen the video clip of that dog saving a goal at a football match. They really should have taken the lead.
My mate Dave went to our local florist. "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend" said Dave. The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?" "A blow job!" Says Dave
A man knocked at my door and asked for a donation to the local swimming pool.... So I gave him a glass of water!
When we were kids, our grandad often used to fetch a takeaway curry for us. Most of the other kids on our street said their curries usually came with a naan.
I'm fed up of people knocking on my door asking for charitable donations! Last night a woman came round asking for a donation for the local sperm bank. I gave her a mouthful!
I've just phoned the RSPCA and told them I'd found a suitcase with a cat and six kittens inside. "Are they moving?" the guy on the phone asked. I said, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
My mate has started dating a girl who works at the zoo. He says she's really nice, and he thinks she's a keeper..
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, ...... in the end I had to take his bike away.
I've told the wife not to eat the chocolate coins on the Christmas tree this year. After the end of March they'll be worth more than real money..
Two nuns are driving down a quiet country lane when, suddenly, a vampire lands on the front of the car with his face up against the windscreen. One nun says to the other "quick, quick, show him your cross!", so she's leans out of the car window and says "oi, you, get off my f@cking bonnet"
Dave hates his wife's cat so much he kidnaps it and drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home the cat is sat there in front of the fire. The next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it again. When he gets home the cat is there again. So the next day Dave drives to the other side of the country and dumps it once more. Six hours later Dave rings his wife & asks "Is the cat there?” His wife replies "Yes why?” Dave says "Put the bastard on the phone, I’m lost"
