I see that Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his name to Jermaine Jacksun for 'artistic reasons'. What a cont.
A new survey has found that Chinese students studying in the UK overwhelmingly prefer the University of East Anglia. Apparently they have an insatiable thirst for Norwich.....
I just heard that the Life of Pie got best director. Due to her presence at the oscars, naturally I assumed it was a biopic about Adele.
The wife just sent me a text. "Windows froze" I text back. "Put some de-icer on it." She's just texted back. "Laptop's f*cked now, Dick Head!"
Apparently Tesco have found a problem with their veggie burgers as well... they found traces of Uni-Quorn.
Q. Why did God create yeast infections? A. So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cu*t once in a while too.
At twenty we worry about what others think of us. At forty we don't care about what others think of us. At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
My wife is upset. She has just been told by a friend that I have been having an affair with her boss. Stupid bitch needs to stop and think about rumours like that. She's self employed..
