I was in a music shop today, I bought a copy of 'Ice Ice Baby' by Vanilla Ice. "I've been looking for this everywhere." I said, "It's a present." The assistant asked, "Would you like me to wrap it?" "Go ahead," I replied, "You can't be any worse than Vanilla Ice anyway."
Ironically, "Huhne" is the phonetic spelling of the grunt made by a prisoner penetrated without consent.
My date was disgusted to see that I had a condom in my wallet. "What?" I replied. "Surely you should be pleased that I have safe sex". "I am" she said, "But you can't reuse them".
A man takes his sick wife to the doctors. The doctor says "I've got some bad news, she's either got Alzheimer's or Aids". "How will we know?" says the man. Doctor says "Go outside, stick her on a bus and if she comes back home don't fuck her".
Angela Merkel visited Greece today. At passport control she was asked; "Nationality?" "German" she replied. "Occupation?" "No, not yet, not yet"
As I opened the front door I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub... Anybody prepared to fuck that munter must be a right fucking psycho.
I see Cheryl Baker got her car stuck for hours in the snow last night. In case you don't know, to move a car stuck in the snow, first you gotta speed it up, then you gotta slow it down. I'm suprised she didn't know that.
Fuck knows where I threw that boomerang when I was drunk last night. Oh, wait...............It's coming back to me now.
Black smoke is seen coming from the Vactican, meaning they must be getting rid of witness statements and DNA evidence....
Ran in the back of a car this morning at the lights due to a moments inattention, when this dwarf got out, looked at the back of his car and said "that's just great! i'm not happy you know" "Which one are you then" I asked?
A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing money off the state. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £100,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out , I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
It's a shame Justin Bieber won't return to the UK It means I'll have to travel to the other side of the world, just to strangle the cunt.
After registering on a certain website last night, I decided to meet HornyCat69 for some sex. I was somewhat disappointed though, when I turned up and saw that HornyCat69 was actually a woman.
I was kissing a girl outside a pub last night. Things were getting heated and it seemed like my luck was in. "Would you like a wank?" she asked. "Oh yeh!" I replied. "I'll be in the bar when you've finished." She said.
