You see, im against hunting, in fact Im a hunt saboteur, probably one of the cleverer ones actually. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
So I said to this train driver, "i want to go to Paris". he replied "Eurostar?" ,I said "Well iv'e been on the telly but i'm no Dean Martin"
I walked up to the young guy stood at the counter today and said, "Do you have anything for acne?" "No," he replied. "Thought not," I said, "I'll have a large Big Mac meal with a Coke please."
With all the excitement last week about electing the new pope, I almost totally forgot there is no God
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring ? He decided to stick it out for another year.
When I finally got back from the pub my wife threw my dinner at me, so I stormed out and said she wouldn't see me for a week. I was wrong though, after three days she could just manage to see me from the corner of one eye.
Buying a lasagne in Britain today is like trying to pick a nice girl in Thailand. You know that some of them are going to contain unwanted meat!
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. [/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'"[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?" [/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck said, " I'm going to raffle him off. "[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck said, " I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."[/FONT] [FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.[/FONT]
With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the East Coast of the US, the fearsome Tsunami the other Christmas, the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, along with the dire predictions made by such films as 'The Day After Tomorrow', we shouldn't forget that England has its share of devastating weather too. I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a friend's home from the storm that passed through Southern England last week. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted.....
I'd never been tempted to set up a beauty parlour before! Protein shampoos, no more spitting, morning and evening gargles, all over body washes - they're going to wear us out! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/6267901/Chemical-in-sperm-may-slow-ageing-process.html
