Me and my wife were in town last night, when we passed a new restaurant. My wife said, "Can you smell the food? The aroma is gorgeous." I thought fuck it, I'll treat her. So we walked past the restaurant again.
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban....
My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night. As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa. As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?" "Dont worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled. "I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.
I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."
Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside. "Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick."I'll go and make up a bed for you." When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?" Paddy replies,"I went home for my pyjamas."
The hair salon near me have a special offer where you get free McDonalds whilst you wait for your colour to set It's called eat shit and dye
They say kids today are worse than kids of previous generations, but I think they're just the same. Take Shakespeare's Romeo, from Romeo and Juliet: big on poetry and sword-fighting. That's basically just hip-hop and knife-crime.
Isn't it ironic? The day Jesus supposedly rose from the dead, coincides with April Fool's Day this year.
I was relieved to hear from my doctor that I don't have depression, but that I'm just very negative. Yippee. I'm on cloud 2.
Q. What do a Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common? A. They're both close enough to smell it, but could get fired for eating it.
If you like having sex while listening to music, then always do it to a live album. That way you will get applause every 3 to 4 minutes
Snuck out for a crafty fag this lunchtime and witnessed a horrific mid air collision, looks like im not cut out to be an Air traffic controller after all!
