My mate Dave met a gorgeous woman in a club at the weekend. She winked at him and said, "I haven't had a cock for 2 months you know!" So after a bit more flirty small talk they went back to his place “for coffee”. After a while they started kissing and fumbling around.That's when he noticed the scars from her operation.
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked" Oh mon dieu, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American savage should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
A woman who cut off the penis of her cheating husband was asked to surrender it as evidence. But the judge ruled it out because it wouldn’t stand up in court.
At a recent meal out with colleagues, a young fellow asked, "What is a lardon?" I replied, "That's when you get a stiffy looking at fat girls."
They say that the bible is the greatest story ever told. They obviously haven’t heard my mate Dave’s story about his recent trip to Amsterdam involving three prostitutes, an angry dwarf, a pool cue, a vibrating replica dogs foot. Honestly it knocks all those biblical tales into a cocked hat!
At A Mental Hospital : Doctor: "What is this?" Mad Man: "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages." Doctor: "You wrote 500 pages?!... woooooow, What did you write?" Mad man: "On the first page i wrote One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle. And on the last page i wrote The King reached the Jungle." Doctor: "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?" Mad Man: "I wrote....... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik... Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.... Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik." Doctor: (stunned) "AND what's that????!!!!!" Mad Man: "That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain." Doctor "AND just who do you think will read your story?" Mad Man: "I will put it on the Ducati Forum - My mad friends will definitely read it... One of them is reading it just as we speak"
I said to this Chinese guy in the pub last night, "Do you know how to do all that fighting stuff like Kung Fu, Karate or Jiu Jitsu?" "What the fuck are you asking me that for? Is it because I'm Chinese?" He asked. "No." I said. "It's because you're drinking my fecking pint!"
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner..?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner..?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner..?' 'For Fuck's Sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN."
My mate received the following text from one of his kids today: “So let me get this straight. You shagged my mum, and I’m supposed to get you a thank-you card?”
