Q. What's the difference between a rich kid and a puppy? A. If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
My wife has become a 'Born Again Christian' after suffering years of abuse about her weight. She's looking forward to getting baptised tomorrow. I'm just looking forward to visiting 'Sea World'.
"I'm getting married next week." Said an old friend, when I bumped into him in the pub. "Congratulations." I said. "You been together long?" "Well she's been living with me since 88." He told me. "Fucking hell mate, that's a long time." I replied. "Nah, not really." he said. "She just turned 91 last month."
Can't seem to find myself a girlfriend because I get sexually aroused by suitcases. I cum with a lot of baggage.
Me and my blonde girlfriend were walking in a field when she asked "What's that?" I said "It's a cow pat." She said "Fuck off, a cow's got legs..... and my name's Sandra."
My wife said, "Do you think your Gran's ok? She's been in the bathroom an awfully long time." I said, "Im sure she'll be fine. She's just joined Facebook, she's probably taking photos."
mary slipped getting out of the bath,did the splits and couldnt get up. she called her husband in and told him to get the neighbour as this once happened to his wife. the neighbour on seeing her said you will never lift her due to the suction. he said he was going to get a hammer and chisel to lift the tile she was stuck to and then get mary to hospital. on his return marys husband was franticly tweaking marys nipples and talking dirty. for feck sake what you doing the neighbour asked? hubby replied he was trying to get mary horny and wet so he could slide her to the kitchen as the tiles there were cheaper.
Glad to hear no one was hurt in yesterdays Quatar Moto GP except for Casey Stoner who broke his big toe kicking his tricycle around the sitting room.
A politician boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a member of the British government, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the member of the British government who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
