Two blondes take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air. Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two women get lost. One says to the other, "What shall we do?" The other says, "I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us." She fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help. "What shall we do?" says the first. "Fire off three more shots." says the other. So she does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?" The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left..."
Q. Did you hear about the collision between the red ship and the blue ship? A. Both crews were marooned.
One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…Satan: Why so glum? Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell! Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember? Guy: Wow… that’s awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean… Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?!?!?! Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No… Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays…
"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me. "I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny." "How come?" she replied. "Because I said blah blah blah."
With a lot of research, the UK immigration officers have come up with the most foolproof plan ever to ensure that the immigrants to the country are culturally, economically and educationally compatible. It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country. It's called "the bacon sandwich test".
I caught my 4-year-old son cheating while we were playing snakes & ladders last night. "Oi," I shouted, "Put that counter back to where you were." "Let him have it, Dave." smiled my wife. "I fucking will," I said, standing up, "What the hell are you doing you cheating little cunt?!"
My wife woke me up in the early hours last night and said with horror in her eyes, "Dave, I can't sleep, there's a woman outside our house screaming that she's being raped." "Dont worry," I replied. "I'll go down and stop it." I threw my slippers on, dashed down the stairs, opened the front door and shouted, "Keep the fucking noise down, my wife's got work in the morning!"
My sister was moaning at me "I can't believe you never visited your mum on her birthday, for gods sake she has Alzheimers" "I'll tell her I was there" I replied.
So an Elvis impersonator has been sending president Obama ricin thru the post ... why didnt Obama just write upon it ....return to sender ? Bet its left him All shook up but thats just my suspicious mind
Virgin Media's inspired new advert will include John Lennon's song 'Imagine'. Which is all well and good until he gets to "... above us only Sky..."
The gossip mags are reporting Rihanna has broken up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. A source close to the couple says Rihanna knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
"Did you tie the dog up and put him in the kennel?" asked my wife, as I walked in the door. I turned around and headed straight back to the canal.....
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who broke the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!" Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Rudoplh - you forgot Chow-Chow... i.e "I don't change lightbulbs, that's a human's job... You want the light on, you do it !"
So Prince Harry is to travel with with a group of disabled soldiers to the south pole. I would have thought it was hard enough for them as it is without having to carry that ginger bastard as well.
