An old country physician,Doctor Gordon Geezer , became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: " Dr. Geezer's Clinic . Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor Digger Young , who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr Young : " Dr. Geezer , I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from the box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr Young : 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations ! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr Young : "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr Geezer : "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr Young : "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr Young : "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr Geezer : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). Dr Young : "But this is only $10!" Dr Geezer : " Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said; "Had him circumcised...."
My mate Dave went into our local pub and shouted out to the barman, "Barman, drinks for everyone! And the drinks are on me!" The barman said, "Well, it seems you're in a really good mood tonight, Dave. How come?" Dave said "I've just got a new job to go around and remove all the money from parking meters in town. I start on Monday!" The barman congratulated Dave and proceeded to pour all the drinks for the people in the pub. Monday evening arrived and Dave went back into the pub and said, "Barman two rounds for everyone, and they're all on me!" The barman said, "Blimey Dave! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can't imagine how happy you'll be when you get paid on Friday!" Dave looked at the barman with a huge smile on his face, and said, "You mean they're going to pay me too?"
My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, gave birth to triplets yesterday, which was a huge surprise to them both and the doctors and nurses, as despite all the scans they thought she was just having one baby. “How the hell did that happen?” said Dave to Julie “Well” said Julie “I think it was that night I was a bit ‘dry’ and we didn’t have any lube so we used 3-in-1 oil instead” “Bloody hell” said Dave “I’m glad we didn’t use WD40”
NEWSFLASH: 4 people were stuck up Ben Nevis yesterday. Phillip Schofield is said to be well jealous...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat & bread crumbs is reported to have passed away: RIP Scott Chegg.
During the Napoleanic Wars, the French finally managed to capture an English officer. It was such a rare occurrence that Napolean himself decided to question him. The Emperor looked at the English captain in his red coat and asked, "Monsieur, Le Capitaine, why is it that you English officers wear red coats? It makes you very visible on the battlefield." The Captain looked Napolean in the eye, "Yes, sir, we know that, but you see it is so if we are wounded in battle the blood will not show and demoralize the young soldiers." Napolean was very impressed with this logic............ and from that day forward, all French officers have worn brown pants.
New members of the cabinet have been told not to look out of No 10 Downing Street's windows during the morning. Otherwise they will have nothing to do in the afternoon....
A blonde walked into Halfords & asked if they had a headlight. “What’s it for?” Asked the assistant. “So I can see in the dark, silly.” Replied the blonde.
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage Dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
