Me and my mate Dave went on a ski trip to the Alps the other week with two of our other friends, Bert and Ernie. No one really wanted to share a room with Dave because he snored really badly. But we decided it wasn’t fair to make one of us stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns to share a room with him. The first night Bert shared with Dave. The next morning Bert came down to breakfast with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. Me and Ernie both turned to him and said "Bloody hell Bert what happened to you last night?" "Dave snored so loudly” Bert replied “That I couldn’t sleep so I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was Ernie’s turn to share with Dave. In the morning, the same thing happened again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot just like Bert was the day before. I said to Ernie "Man alive, what happened to you? You look awful!" Ernie said, "Dave’s snoring shook the room. I just couldn’t sleep so I sat up and watched him all night." The third night was my turn to share with Dave. The following morning I came down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed as I’d had a great night’s sleep. "Good morning" I said. Bert and Ernie couldn’t believe how rested and wide awake I looked! "Bloody hell” said both Bert and Ernie “You look great this morning….how come? What happened?" "Well” I said “When we got ready for bed I went and tucked Dave into bed, patted him on the arse and kissed him good night………..and Dave sat up and watched me all night."
BREAKING: 20 year old rapper Pop Smoke killed in an apparent armed robbery at his home. His girlfriend Pop Tart, is said to be in bits...
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in two towns stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden Commodore every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his headfrom side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
While walking around the neighbourhood, Mr and Mrs Jones, both in their seventies, stopped at the nursery school where they first met and paused at the tree where he had carved their initials all those decades ago and even took a few minutes to have a laugh and ride on the swings on the playground before continuing on their way home. As they were walking along, a post office van went down the street and hit a pothole and BAM! a bag fell out, but went unnoticed by the postie who just drove on. Picking up the bag, Mrs. Jones opens it, and exclaims, "Walter! There must be £5,000 in here!" Knowing his wife and seeing the gleam in her eye, ever honest Walter sternly says, "Daisy, we must hand it in to the police." Daisy makes a rude noise, shakes her head, and sticks the bag in her purse and continues on home with Walter trailing after her and arguing with her all the way but getting nowhere. The next day, two detectives knock on the door, "We're talking to everybody in the neighbourhood to see if anyone found a bag of money yesterday. Do you folks know anything about it?" Daisy replies, "No" but guilt stricken Walter says "Yes" Daisy gives him a cross look but then smiles at the detectives and says, "You'll have to forgive my husband.....he's senile." Walter objects, "No, I'm not! Look, it happened like this, Daisy and I had just got off the swings at the playground and we were walking home from the nursery school an........." The one detective turns to his partner, "Come on, let's try the next house."
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She looked great going down the stairs....
A Fleeing Taliban Terrorist, Desperate for Water, was plodding through the Afghan Desert when he saw something far Off in the distance. Hoping to find Water, he hurried toward the Mirage, only to find a very Frail Little Jewish Biker Wild Bill standing at a small makeshift Display Rack, selling Neckties. The Taliban Terrorist asked, "Do you have Water?" The old Biker replied, "I have no Water. Would you like to buy a Tie? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an Overpriced Western Adornment. I spit on your Ties. I need Water! "Sorry, I have none, just Ties, Pure Silk, and only cost Five Quid." "Pahh! A Curse on your Ties! I should wrap one around your Scrawny Little Neck and Choke the Life out of you, but I must Conserve my energy and find Water!" "Okay," said the little old Jewish Biker Wild Bill. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a Tie from me, or that you hate me, Threaten my Life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about Two Kilometers, you will find a Restaurant. It has the Finest Food and all the Ice Cold Water you need. Go in Peace." Cursing him again, the Desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and said, "They won't let me in without a fucking tie....."
My mate & his wife have just had a baby daughter who is a little jaundiced. At the moment she's small, round & yellow. They've called her Melony...
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I might be a type 'o' "
I arrived at the restaurant a bit early. "Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the maitre d'. "Not at all," I replied. "Good." He said, "Take this steak and chips to table 7."
Church Squirrels In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with them. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Methodist church tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church . Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Priest Karma A priest dies and his spirit is in the void when a voice calls tp him,"Well my old son,you got it wrong,karma is the law of the universe and you need to go back and learn your lesson." "I understand," said the priest,"but please, don't send me back as a priest,the things I did I'm really sorry for and I will need to learn restraint and compassion." "Oh,you don't get off that easy," replied the voice."You're going back as a choirboy.
My mate & his friends in the Care Home have formed a Hip Op group. They’re known as the So Soiled Crew.
I was in the chemist and I said to the girl behind the counter, “What gets rid of coronavirus?” She replied, "Ammonia cleaner." I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”
Three men, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani were all sitting outside the hospital maternity ward, nervously awaiting the arrival of their first-born. After what seemed like an eternity the doctor in charge emerges and informs them that three healthy boys had been safely delivered but regrettably due to a mix-up they no longer had any certainty as to who's son is who's. So the three men decide to sort it out between themselves. The Englishman goes into the ward first, confident that he can claim his own son, and reappears after a while with what is quite clearly the Pakistani child. The Pakistani man is quite irate at the Englishman's apparent mistake and takes him to task over his choice, saying "This is clearly not your child, are you blind?" The Englishman replies "Look, I'm sorry mate, but one of those children in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances".
I’ve just seen on the BBC news that a dwarf psychic has escaped from Strangeways jail. Police are looking for a small medium at large.
The blonde secretary in our office became upset when she heard about Covid-19: She thought she'd missed the first 18 films....
