They said gloves and a mask would be sufficient to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else had their clothes on..
My mate Dave used to be a fortune teller, but all he ever used to predict was harsh winters. Turns out the Crystal Ball Shop sold him a snow globe.
Two owl's are in a pub playing pool, as one of them bends down to take his shot, one of the feathers on his right wing knocks one of the balls. "hang on a minute" the other owl said "that's two hits" "Two hits to who" replied the first owl.
Next time you see an attractive girl on Instagram, remember: If you paint black and white stripes on a donkey, it might look like a zebra... It's still a fecking donkey!
An Aircraft flying over Great Britain, on board is Angela Merkal, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and a little girl.. They suddenly see the pilot bail out, looking around there’s only three parachutes left ( @Phil748 You might need a hand here ref post 6 and 7 https://www.ducatiforum.co.uk/threads/are-you-doing-what-the-gov-says.76807/#post-1593752 sorry mte x ) Boris stands up, straps on a parachute saying “I’m a very important guy, I’m the PM, Britain needs me” and bails out.. Trump stands up straps on a parachute saying “ I’m the most important guy in the world, mankind needs me” he bails out.. The little girl looks at Angela Merkel, “it’s ok” says AM, “ I’m old, while you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, here you take it” The little girl says to AM “ there’s no need you can have it for there’s two left” AM looks really puzzled, “ two left?” the little girl goes on to say “the most important guy in the world has just strapped my school satchel to his back and bailed out, here, we've one each....” x
Anyone fancy chipping to crowd fund a rental plane? We might be better off with two school kids though...
All this stuff about keeping 2 metres apart is fecking stupid. I’ve just moved the electric meter away from the gas meter, and now the lights don’t work & the central heating won’t come on...
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life." The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a wanker then."
On a serious note I heard a Dr. on TV this morning saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home is difficult but we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of me valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how blumin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!
I miss the olden days when you sneezed and people used to say “bless you” Now if you sneeze people say “Feck off over there!”
A heavily pregnant woman, expecting triplets goes to the bank when a group of armed robbers charge in, a couple of security guards try to take the robbers on and all hell breaks loose, amongst the seriously injured is the pregnant woman.. She wakes up in hospital after surgery with a Doctor at her bedside and immediately fears the worst, the Doctor calms her down and explains. She was shot 3 times and although she is fine each of her babies are carrying a bullet each but, the Doctor believes given time each will pass their Bullet naturally .. A few months later and the Woman has 3 beautiful baby boys. Anyway, one day she’s changing baby Daniel’s nappy when she notices a shiny object in his poo, on closer inspection it’s a bullet, She thanks the lord, “ thank you thank you” she cries. A few years goes by and Billy is sitting on his potty, he’s grunting rather and when Mum cleans up after he’s finished his poo she sees a small silver object in the bottom of the potty, it’s a silver coloured Bullet, “ oh sweet Jesus thank you thank you so” she cries “ thank you for delivering this Bullet safely” Several years later, with 2 out of the 3 bullets passed Mum is trying to sort out Billy and Daniel who have been fighting in the living room. The third boy Tom slips off to the toilet shutting the door behind him. The Mum manages to calm things down in the living room when she hears terrible screams coming from the bathroom. Instantly she rushes to the bathroom and opens the door where she sees Tommy, sitting on the loo with his trousers around his ankles.. Before Tommy gets a chance to explain Mum jumps in saying “ don’t tell me, don’t tell me, you were doing a poo and you’ve found a silver bullet in the bottom of the toilet?” “No”said Tommy! “Well what then?” asks the Mum, Tommy replies, “No...... I was having a wank and I’ve shot the cat”.. x
The Good News: I won the lottery! The Bad News: Since hardly anyone could buy tickets, it's only £12.
