I've just been comparing Wayne Rooney's sex life with Jimmy Savile's and they're actually quite similar. Wayne's had a 59-year old and Jimmy's had 50 9-year olds.
I hate double standards. Some girl gets a vibrator and it`s seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow up doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic rape scream. I`m apparently a dirty fucking pervert........
I saw a funny video on YouTube about a walrus dancing the tango with its male trainer. After a while I realised I was watching my wedding video.
So A top barrister has said consent age should be 13......can you Imagine the piss up in the Rovers return if that ever happened!
As I started packing my bags, I said to my wife, "What's the difference between gold and brass?" "What?" she asked. "I'm not going to live in a gold house..."
I saw a man running away from a crowd of people with a handbag earlier, so I wrestled him to the ground and took the bag off him. "Oh thank you so much" said an elderly looking lady. Fuck knows what she meant by that, but I'm loving my new handbag.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
There's been unconfirmed reports that Wayne Rooney has handed in a written transfer request. They're unconfirmed as it's written in crayon.
I got a call at work today telling me that my wife was being rushed to hospital with life threatening injuries. I put the phone down and left immediately. Half an hour later, I walked into the emergency ward to find her dead on the table. As chief surgeon I could've saved her, but it was lunchtime and I was fucking hungry.
A Scouser just said to me, "If David Moyes wins the league with Man United next season I'll eat my hat." I said "Oi!!! That's my hat."
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the Sheik. Finally he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
