Arthur, or Arty to his mates, was walking through his local supermarket when he spotted a pound coin on the floor. As he approached to pick it up, two other people also noticed it and made a bee-line for the coin. There followed an almighty fight for the pound coin, in which Arty strangled both the other two customers before being wrestled to the ground by security. The headlines in the paper next morning read "Arty chokes two for a pound in Tesco's".
Skegness and Las Vegas don't have much in common, but they are the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.
I bought a rare Prince CD today for 20 pounds. I'm so fucking chuffed that I think I'm gonna party like it was £19.99
Ariel Castro fucking legend! Holds three women captive for 10 years and neighbours don't hear a thing. I can't keep my fat cnut quiet for 10 minutes.
Fosters Helpline "Gday mate, Fosters helpline ... What's the problem?" "Hi guys, it's the girlfriend ... she's been stung on the minge by a hornet and its so swollen it's closed up completely" "Aaah bummer mate" "Thanks guys ... that's what I thought too. Bye"
Somebody nicked a pair of my wife's knickers off our washing line. We're not too bothered about the knickers because they were old and worn but we would like the 12 pegs back.
Moyes is devastated to hear that he was appointed as second choice for the Man Utd job after Howard Webb turned it down.
The police asked me where I was on the night of the 25th. I told them I was at home writing a novel about fly paper strong enough to trap a human being Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Something for the golfers Dave Feherty - CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER A few choice Dave Feherty quotes. If you watch golf on TV, he's a commentator with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colourful yet uninhibited way of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind ... (he’s probably always on time delay these days). Feherty Quotes: He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group." "Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body." "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon." "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife." "Jim Furyk's swing looks like an octopus falling out of a tree." Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."
An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to be anaesthetised, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, Son. Do your best and just remember: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
There were three Indian Squaws. One slept on deer skin, One slept on Elk skin and the third slept on the skin of a Hippopotamus. All three became pregnant. The first two, each gave birth to a baby boy but the one who slept on the Hippopotamus skin gave birth to twin boys. This just goes to prove that the Squaw of the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other to hides
Knock knock. Who's there? A caricature of a grammar pedant. A caricature of a grammar pedant whom? You bastard.
The wife is pissed off with me again!!!! Last night whilst she was asleep i slowly removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out..... The bitch has no sense of humor
