A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
I said to the window cleaner, "I've confiscated your ladders. And if I catch you looking at my wife through the bedroom window again, further steps will be taken."
Whatever you think of David Beckham, he has lived the dream. That weird dream. The one where you're married to a skeleton
The wifes just finished trimming her pubes. Her fanny looks a lot neater now but she's fucked my flymo.
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
"You should give that nice Lucy Smith a ring." my mum said, as she dipped tiny bits of wood into chemicals. "Mum, are you matchmaking again?"
If your phone gets wet, leave it overnight in a bag of rice. It'll attract an Asian, who will fix it because they're good with electronics
My friend came back from Australia and was telling me about his holiday. "My stupid girlfriend borrowed my expensive bike when we went off-roading and damaged it" "Puncture in the bush ?" "No, but I kicked her up the arse".
Police came knocking this morning after some local slag got gang fisted last night. They reckon I had a hand in it.
I went into a cafe and ordered a bacon sandwich. "Certainly sir", said the woman, "to take away or would you like me to show you to a table?" "Thanks, a table would be great" I said. "Ketchup" she said. I said, "you haven't gone anywhere yet"
Q. What do a government cabinet meeting and the sexual health ward of a hospital have in common? A. Both are full of useless pricks and rotten cunts.
"You know something love.." I said to the wife, "I'm that fucking bored, I'm even thinking of decorating this living room." "Well what about THIS for an idea?" She replied, ripping off her knickers and throwing them over the back of the sofa. "That seems like an excellent idea." I told her. "It'll stop me getting paint on the cushions."
Just heard Bonnie Tyler singing the UK's entry for this year's Eurovision. They should rename it "Holding Out For A Zero."
Manchester City have confirmed that Abu Qatada is their new manager. He knows a few things about staying in Europe.
Like most people, I like to do something a little different at the weekend. On Saturdays I become Jewish, because that's their day of rest. On Sundays I become Christian, because that's their day of rest. Then for the remainder of the week, I go back to being a Scouser.
Surely even the most hardened, fanatical, would-be suicide bomber can't honestly believe that there will be 72 virgins waiting for them in Heaven? Not with the rate that muslims are shagging 13 year olds in England.
