There was an Irishman, a Pakistani, a Kenyan and a man from China in a club. What a wonderful example of racial integration.
I was watching TV when my wife sat down beside me, stroked my cock through my jeans and whispered, "Fancy a fuck?" I said, "You're after something..." "No I'm not," she protested. "Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."
Thanks to James Naughtie, the Minister for Murdoch will forever be known as 'Jeremy Cunt': James Naughtie introduces Jeremy Hunt BBC Radio 4 - YouTube
The vicar lost his favorite Bible while he was helping parishoners to mend fences. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The vicar couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," Said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A man in a cinema notices what looks like a gorilla sitting next to him. "Are you a gorilla?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing in the cinema?" The gorilla replied, "Well, I liked the book."
News: "Dungeons and Dragons" movie in the works. And its expected to set the record for people saying, "Ticket for one, please."
I played tennis against a badger. The winner took each others' home, a pheasant and a single Swan Vesta. I won. Game, sett and match.
Think my flat got broken into during Gay Pride weekend here. I came home, there was a quiche in the oven and all the furniture was re-arranged.
"You only care about my inheritance", my gran shouted. "It's not that", I said, "but why would you spend your savings on a cremation when we could just set the house on fire after you die and get some insurance money along the way?"
I came across my missus' latest Facebook status late last night it read, 'Heaving a quiet night in with hubby.' 'Auto correct again?' I commented sarcastically underneath. 'Oh yes' she wrote and corrected it... 'Heaving, a quite night in with chubby.'
My wife slammed her fist on the table and said "Why must you question everything I say!?" "Everything!?" I replied
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery then I'm going to live in a big gold house." I replied "If we ever win the lottery then I'm going to live in a big brass house." Its a good job she's blonde.
My wife was sitting cheering at an act on Britain's Got Talent I said, "I could do that." "Go on then." she replied. "Ok." I said as I sat down and cheered next to her.
My hard-of-hearing mate was telling me about how he used to have phone sex with a different girl every night. I think that's how he ended up with hearing aids.
