British global exports will be fine with whatever trade deal we end up with: We've already sent 2 cases of Corona to New Zealand this week...
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Closed red curtain at the Coolidge Corner Theatre - landscape Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "What the fuck was that ?"
Liverpool have won the Premiership, and the government are paying people not to work: Some where there’s a Scouser with a genie and a lamp, wondering what to ask for as his 3rd wish.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky,but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure,but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.
In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the bloody rain! Where is my sodding Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision and I cannot find the funds to pay the bribe. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many polish workers I'm supposed to hire for my building team or whether I need to outsource to another country. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers accredited with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The fucking liberals beat me to it."
In some cultures people only eat with their right hands because they wipe their arses with their left hands. I don’t usually eat whilst I’m having a shit..
AMERICAN CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. You blame China. FRENCH CAPITALISM; You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. GERMAN CAPITALISM; You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. Cows are tested to reveal they eat all the time and don't produce any milk. You buy another cow company JAPANESE CAPITALISM You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called cowkimon and market them worldwide. ITALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. SWISS CAPITALISM You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. CHINESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You have 1,000,000 people milking them. You claim that you have agricultural training program. They are all Uyghurs. RUSSIAN CAPITALISM You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 12 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka. INDIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You worship them. BRITISH CAPITALISM You have two cows. Both are mad. IRAQI CAPITALISM Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy. AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. GREEK CAPITALISM; You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them.
There’s a nymphomaniac called Maria who works in the office. Apparently, she likes to start foreplay with a little stroke. The lads call her Tia Maria..
I shall be complaining to the BBC and to the Met Office about the Shipping Forecast: I'm as broad-minded as the next person, but I don't see why doggers need to be told how hard the wind is blowing...
A new and easy test for COVID-19 doing the rounds: Take a glass and pour a bottle of your favourite beer. Then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there. Then drink it and if you can taste it. It is then reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!
My mate has a new girlfriend who is a nurse. He said everybody calls her 'Cancer Kate'. "Is that because she works in an oncology ward?" I asked him. "Nah." He replied, "She has crabs."
