A man in the U.S. is reported to have died after eating in excess of a bag of liquorice every day: His family must be going through all sorts..
Irish Job Interview Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin. A Polish man applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job." Mick said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job." The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" "Simple," the Manager said. "On question number 7 the Polish interviewee wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'"
The wife said she wants treating on her birthday: I've bought 3 large tins of Cuprinol and 2 brushes, I hope I have enough...
As I drove past the local prison yesterday, I saw a midget climbing down a rope ladder on the outside of the wall: I thought, "Hello, that's a little condescending.."
Straight after that he went in their garden centre section and started fiddling with the ornaments. Undressed a gnome
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter - 10 francs. In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: Butter - 9 francs. The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter - 8 francs. Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: Butter - 7 francs. This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, “Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete." In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."
A friend of mine suggested that I should try Rodeo sex. 'Whats that' I asked. He said "Its when you get hold of your missus from behind, call out somebody else's name, and then see how long you can hang on"
Just received this text from my mate: "If anyone has any old Toy Story characters they don't want, please give me a buzz."
After 4 Weeks of Unprotected Sex Girlfriend: "Hey baby !" Boyfriend: "Hey Babe!" Girlfriend: "I wanna tell you something." Boyfriend: "Umm ok shoot." Girlfriend: "Please promise me you won't get mad." Boyfriend: (Getting a bit nervous) " Are you telling me or not?" Girlfriend: (Starting to cry) "I... I... I... I... I think... Babe i think i'm pregnant." Boyfriend: "Whaaaaaaaaat????" Girlfriend: "Yeah... I am definitely pregnant - I missed my period." Boyfriend: "You gotta be kidding right?" Girlfriend: "No babe how can i joke about something like this?" Boyfriend hangs up the phone... The girl cried a lot thinking she had lost him for good. After 30 minutes she hears a knock on the door. When she opens... BOOM it's her boyfriend, kneeling down on the floor. Boyfriend: "200 billions stars, 7 continents, 196 countries, 9 planets, 21 provinces, 2 capital cities and I have had the privilege of meeting such a sophistrated, intelligent, motivated, beautiful woman like you...Let me correct you...You are not pregnant, WE are pregnant... We are both responsible for the baby. I will support you and our baby. So the love of my life...... Will you marry me?" Girlfriend: "You've misunderstood me, - It's not yours"
Knowing that I have owned & trained dogs for many years, a neighbour asked what he should do in the event of not being able to find his dog. I replied, "Simple, just open the fridge door and he'll be right behind you."
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven? Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
The wife looked out of the window & sighed, "When will this bloody rain stop falling?" "Easy." I said, "When it hits the ground." The bed in our spare room is surprisingly comfy....
My mate Dave reminds me a lot of John Lennon. He comes over to my house every day and says “Hey....Do you remember John Lennon?”
