I'm puzzled by the strange gifts I received for Christmas this year. I got a calculator, an abacus and an electric razor. Something doesn't add up........
My mate is seriously wishing his mother in law hadn't picked 'Beaver Falls' in their Christmas Day charades....
Elton John rang me last night and said "I’ve heard you’re after a new car, and I’m selling mine.........do you fancy my old Rolls Royce?" "What Reg?" I asked him. "I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO BUY MY OLD ROLLS ROYCE, CLOTH EARS!!”
The blonde secretary in our office says she always gets depressed on New Year's Eve: She has never found the Auld Lang sign....
A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog. He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees. The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?” “Roof!” says the dog. Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. “What’s the covering of a tree called?” “Bark!” the dog exclaims. The bartender is getting agitated at this point but the man pleads for one more chance. “Who’s the best baseball player ever?” asks the man “Ruth!” yells the dog. When they are promptly kicked out after this charade, the dog looks at the man and says, “I probably should’ve said DiMaggio...”
Dave’s boss called him into his office yesterday “Dave, you must be the worst train driver ever. You’ve got to improve this year otherwise you’re out, do you understand? Anyway how many times did you derail a train last year?” “Dunno” said Dave “it was hard to keep track”
My mate Dave found an old lamp in the street yesterday. When he took it home he decided to polish it, and as he started to polish it a genie popped out. “For releasing me from the lamp I can give you two wishes” said the genie “What is your first wish?" “I wish I was rich!" said Dave and immediately the genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?" "I’d like lots of money!" said Rich
My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, went to the doctors yesterday. “What seems to be the problem?” Asked the doctor “Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.” The doctor had a look, chuckles and said “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear. They’re the stickers off the bananas.”
As I went for a walk around the village yesterday, I saw the vicar walking up the church path so I thought I’d exchange a few pleasantries with him. "Morning” I said “This is a lovely church vicar" "It's Norman" said the vicar “Oh ok” I said "This is a lovely church Norman"
Went out to clean the ice of the car this morning. All I could find was an old discount card in my wallet. Bloody useless I only got 20% off.
My mate spoke with a homeless woman in the town centre & offered to take her home. Should have heard the language she used when he walked off with her cardboard box..
