There’s got to be a few howlers doing the rounds surely? I’ve got a few but the one that springs to mind for me is Oulton Park 2019. I would love to know the odds of something like this happening ?! but it just went to prove to me really that eventually despite all efforts I’m going to have to give up my dignity and Marry @Monners so...... picture this... the same month, of the same day(s) (yes really), of the same race meeting at the same circuit, two laps apart ... on two .. yes TWO occasions that me and Dave both spontaneously decided we no longer wanted to be physically on our motorcycles but whilst very much still in motion . Yes, me and Dave crashed twice on the same race weekend, two laps apart on BOTH occasions and were nowhere near each other at the time. AND we both got wheeled to the medi centre in tandem and even got a complimentary visit to the nice people at the local A&E on the second of the dismounts. For the record DM started this mystical domino sequence of events by running out of talent at Turn one. Me not wanting to be out done by my very dear but small armed friend found myself magically upside down at Druids two laps later courtesy of a mobile chicane situated at the apex in the form of a v4 panigale. We both dusted ourselves off but it was clear to all that I had unfinished business, so off out I went at it again, full of the desire to impress and disappointment that the Druids shunt wasn’t spectacular enough... I aimed BIG and went for an absolute statement move.. The highly coveted 120mph false neutral 7 rotation Somersault at Cascades which I finished off with dart like accuracy head first in to the tyre wall by the marshals post. Needless to say that two laps later DM was off again at Shell oils eager not to be outdone. He too had opted for the tyre wall head butt finish with a nice seasoning of not knowing which country he was in for 2 hours and questioning whether he’d come off his bike or not ... whilst sat in the pits in full leathers which were covered in grass, looking at his bike which was too ... covered in grass. what we didn’t realise at the time was that we have now entered in to an unwritten spiritual agreement that ‘one cannot crash without the other’ Which is both endearing and financially challenging. We put this to the test in Spain last year and I can confirm that after my tip off at T7.. Dave very much went on to knock it out of the park. He even brought in some outside help to his routine in the form of a surprised German on an R1. Which Dave managed to Guide very much over the top of him with laser like precision. Some would consider this ‘getting run over’.. but it’s nothing like that.... ..... .. Don’t pay for drugs kids!! Become a bike racer and the national health service will give them to you for FREE!!
Nothing as impressive as that but definitely just as funny. It was the summer of 81 and I was the proud owner of a Brand new Kawasaki Z250. It came with a really wanky body kit and 2 into 1 Alpha pipe. Anyhow, it was a hot summers day and a bunch of us decided to high tail it over to Scarborough for the day. I took my best mate on the back as he only had a fizzy and we figured it would be quicker if he jumped on with me. The trouble was I had a shitty race seat and it was a tight squeeze two up so I had to stuff my knees into the fairing while riding. Which was fine..... until we came to a junction. Anyhow, we quickly made a system whereby I’d warn him on the back to get his feet down when we were stopping. You see it was much easier for him to put the feet down than me. I just kept my feet on the pegs and my legs stuffed inside the fairings.... Needless to say the ‘system’ went tits up when we got along Scarborough sea front when we were both distracted by scantily clad totty. We stopped at a set of lights and went down like an oak tree. We did have a giggle mind. Despite the standard bust indicator, mirror, lever etc...
Not my silliest but one of the most memorable ! Fist visit to cartegena think it was 2003! Was just about to go out for my first session when the mate I’d gone with started waving at me to stop! He was in a right old flap so I leant the bike on the wall went over and he said “there’s something wrong with my bike! The back wheel is seized or something! It won’t go in to gear!! “ so I took my gloves off and had a bit of a play around with it! As I had my right hand right on the chain by the rear sprocket the bonehead span the back wheel!!! Luckily my finger stopped it from spinning round all the way!,, then the cheeky bastid said” that was a silly thing to do wasn’t it”!! If I wasn’t pissing blood everywhere I’d of Twatted him there and then! So over to the medical centre! The nurse didn’t speak any English and my Spanish wasn’t gonna cut it unless I wanted two beers!! But I managed to understand she was trying to tell me they didn’t have any anaesthetic And I’d have to go to hospital! Now this was my first euro and that wasn’t an option for me so I managed to persuade her to put four stitches in without it! Suffering Mary mother of god!!! I was sick in my mouth twice! But I managed to borrow a glove and went out for the rest of the day and the remaining days and it wasn’t actually that bad! And the jackass STILL says it was my fault!!!!!
Years ago I had one of the early fireblades. I had a penchant for doing stoppies and was trying to perfect rolling stoppies. I was out with my usual gang tearing round the country lanes and as we approached a left turn junction I decided to try a rolling stoppie round the corner. We had been hammering it and the brakes were red hot and as I got the bike vertical on its nose, the brakes grabbed and cartwheeled me straight over the front. I landed sat at the junction in front of a car waiting to pull out. I remember sitting there laughing my socks off as the driver just shook her head at me with a WTF expression on her face.
That reminds me of the very first time I ever rode a 1000. Funnily enough it was a Blade and I'd only been riding a few months at the time. Being a total knob jockey I pinned it in first in a local town. The front end shot up and caught me out big time, it was completely vertical, I slid on to the pillion seat like super man with my legs dangling out the back on the floor dragging me along. I have absolutely no idea how I stayed on the thing. I had a monumental wheelie/tank slapper and nearly took out a bus stop. The bike wasn't even mine. It was my ex father in laws
I've been in that position as well and you can't shut the throttle as you're hanging on to it wide open.
That year of blade had no 'aids' bar ABS as well. It was PURE LUCK in every aspect and meaning of the word. There was no inertia unit bringing that thing down. I would have ended up on one of those youtube whisky throttle videos haha! Looking back now, I can't believe I ever thought it would work out pinning the throttle like that
This is a long whatsapp sent to one of my mates last summer about me trying to getting to Brands and the various problems on the day, which kind of felt like being trapped in some sort of 80s screwball comedy starring Chevy Chase. “It’s been the usual comedy of errors. Last night took 6 hrs to get ready rather than 60 mins. I wanted to use my 900ss bobber as well as my Bandit/GSXR track bike so I hitched up the two-bike trailer for the first time I had used it only to find the wheel slots were made for motocross wheels. So I decided to just run the Ducati and therefore I swapped the end can off the Bandit so it would pass the noise test. Also went over every nut and bolt on the bike as I only just bought it back off the guy I sold it to after I built it in 2016 as he’s neglected it tbh. Found two of the bottom yoke bolts and the seat bolt were loose which was a bit of an eye-opener. Built and hitched up the Motolug folding single bike trailer but found that for some reason it has different geometry to the one I’d borrowed previously of the same make and so I had to remove, relocate and refit the towing iron on the back of the motorhome. Eventually loaded the 900 on but the front tyre fouled the front wheel chock, which cut a v shaped chunk out of it, and that in combination with the loose fixings (not forgetting that I’d also done a fair number of the mods myself) and the general state of neglect made me change my mind about riding it on track just yet. So, then had to do that whole f*cking process in reverse. Loaded up the track bike but its side stand fouled the trailer number plate bracket, bending it so it wouldn’t fit anymore and smashing the number plate light, which I then had to replace with a sort of Heath Robinson arrangement which involved adapting a head torch. By this time its nearly midnight and I’ve been dismantling and rebuilding motorbikes next to an old transit van in the middle of the village for 4 hours and I’m getting worried one of the local Karens is going to call the police. Loaded van with all my gear but then couldn’t find the keys. After 1.5 hrs searching and swearing I found them in the recycle bin and so the boy and I set off.... .....only to run out of diesel on a huge complicated flyover/roundabout combo just on the other side of the Dartford bridge, not far off blocking the slip road onto the M25. I ordered an uber so I could go and buy a can of diesel but he got lost and his English wasn't very good, so I couldn't get him to understand where I was, where I needed to get to or why. In the end the problem solved itself as the Police spotted me on a camera and sent a HATO Land Rover to tow the motorhome and trailer to the services. Got to lay-by near circuit at 3am, slept at 4am. Overslept and only woke at 7, rushed to circuit. Found that despite me booking Inters, I'd been bumped down into Novices due to Inters being over-subscribed and being the last one to sign on. I asked to be moved into Fast group instead, but, no, company policy is that you can only move one group and as I was now in Novices, that meant Inters, which, of course, was full. I suggested they use put me into Inters again for 10 seconds and then move me to Fast, but "computer says no". FFFFFS. Went off in really bad mood with the sticker of shame stuck to my headlight to get noise tested but the bike not only failed noise test but also ran out of fuel in noise testing garage and I then realised I’d forgotten to bring spare petrol. Begged petrol off a mate, warmed bike up and it passed the noise test thank God. By this time it’s 30+ degrees and I was too sweaty to get into my race suit and I still have the last painful knockings of that partially dislocated shoulder. I was so tired and in so much pain I contemplated just sacking it off and going to bed, but the boy was with me and wanted to see some action. Missed first session. Went out with next Novice group and got black-flagged about halfway through. I thought this was because by that time I was lapping people and either some of the overtakes were a bit sketchy or they'd seen the error of their ways and were going to move me into a higher group. So, I came into the pits ready to both rant and say "I told you so", but had the wind well and truly taken out of my sails because it turned out the black flag was because my headlight had fallen off (which at least meant I no longer had a Novice group sticker, lol). Finally got moved to Inters at lunchtime though. All good apart from the following - a misfire all through Clearways meaning I had to take a sub-optimal line in order to avoid holding people up, the gearbox is messing around as it sometimes won’t change up and/or keeps giving me false neutrals meaning I ended up not far off running onto the grass at Surtees, the throttle sticks open now and again, and, oh, the left hand bar grip keeps sliding off and I have to use the straight to push it back on but it's half off again by the end of the lap and the whole process has to be repeated. I’m just going to my motorhome now to slip into something more comfortable (most likely unconsciousness). Perhaps they should remake Some Mothers Do ‘Ave Em with Frank Spencer cast as a bike loving barrister....”
I'd also like to nominate an incident in Sept 2019 when the brakes of the same track bike (back then I also used to ride it on the road) seized on halfway through the Blackwall Tunnel at 7pm on a Friday evening, resulting in the police closing it, almost getting into a fight with a very angry and very butch female bus driver, rescue by the Highways Agency, 5 miles of tailbacks and a mention on the radio.
Sometime in the early seventy's I visited Motorcycle Accessories a well known shop in Leicester which I believe is still trading. On arriving at the shop I dismounted and attempted to put my Norton Commando on it's centre stand, but the bike toppled towards me and the end of the handlebar wedged it's self in one of my long boots(with long socks turned over the top of course) Fortunately the machine was undamaged but I was stuck and unable to lift the bike. Eventually the gathered crowd stopped laughing and assisted. After thanking my rescuers I entered the shop but fortunately cannot remember the comments, I'am sure they were very kind.
It doesn't quite end there actually because I forgot to pay the DART charge and got fined £80 and then in November I also received a £250 fine for driving the motorhome through the LEZ zone on the same journey. And the other incident where I broke down in the tunnel turned out to have been for nothing as I was riding the bike home from the mechanics after having it prepped for racing in the Cafe Racer Cup a few weekends later, but I didn't even get to take part in the end due to missing an "Important - Must Reply" email from the organisers which had ended up in spam and so I lost my grid slot.
Mate. No word of a lie. I get a fine everytime I use that bridge haha. It's been there for years and I still can't be assed to set up an account. I've also got a good account with congestion charges and driving in bus lanes/cycle routes in London. I'm such a knob because I always forget and never learn Setting up an account would make perfect sense ofcourse, but it almost feels like I'm ending some kind of tradition now Although i've not earned as many tickets as I have unpaid European speeding fines, it's still a good innings if I may say so myself
I feel your pain. One journey in the motorhome last year cost me close to £400 as it landed me with yet another DART fine, a congestion charge fine, a ULEZ fine and a fine for driving the van through the Rotherhithe Tunnel. And that might not even be the end of it because I obviously also trespassed into the LEZ zone (I only found about its existence and the fact that the van is banned from there when I got the fine in November) but haven’t heard anything yet. Tbh I must have been into the LEZ zone 10 times between when I got the van in August and when I got that fine in November so there might be another couple of grand’s fines en route to me
I got a £160 fine before Christmas for driving down a bus route/ cycle route which wasn't sign posted near our central london office. It's only usable for cars after 19:00 or something daft. Total madness. The Ulez and Lez stuff is a load of bollocks as well. We get fines pretty much monthly for the Rotherhithe as the guys who work for us seem to be cut from the same cloth as me and love taking the transits through it A mate of mine runs false plates in London and has been for over 2 years to avoid these things. Naughty boy. When he takes his bike he takes his plate off as it's attached with velcro and abandons the thing. Can't ticket something with no plate. Saying that another mate of mine has been driving an X5M around for again around 2 years which is still registered to the company he purchased it off who went bust. He's set off loads of cameras in that time which someday is going to catch up with him and bum him. They're all posh boys as well, not the tracksuit clad crew. It's rife.
In the mid 80’s, I had a GS550. I’d bought it to do a trip to the IOM races earlier that year as I was taking a mate & didn’t fancy trying to do it on a sports bike. Back home one day, new girlfriend, (this was the 80’s & before we worried about such nanny state issues as protective clothing ) Frankly back then, if I could’ve ridden without a helmet, I’d have done so but light Khaki trousers & a sweatshirt it was. Anyhow, new girl, big blonde Bonnie Tyler style hair fighting to get out of her helmet, high heels & very short shorts. Hard to miss as it turned out. Blues lit up behind me coming off a roundabout. I knew I not exactly been slow so was expecting the worse. Plod immediately starts to give me a bollocking: Everything from me having a death wish riding in thin cotton trousers to irresponsible behaviour generally, to endangering a young lady to I don’t know what else. My girl, then takes her helmet off, she was a looker & immediately his attitude changed. Even now I can get a bit tongue tied when faced with a beautiful woman, it’s the plague of men, we’re basically pathetic, but to this day, I swear that’s what happened with this copper. He was definitely checking her out & not hiding it either. Couple of comments about how her lovely legs would be ruined if she’d come off, that sort of thing, but mainly him looking her up & down. Nowadays we’d call it being objectivised I guess but it got me off a ticket. I mentioned this years later to the same lady when we met at a friends wedding. Turns out she knew exactly what she was doing that day!
AKA "attempting to pervert the course of justice". One of my former clients got 9 months immediate custody for something similar a few years back. Also, they can't ticket a bike with no plate but they can stick it in a van or on the back of a low loader and take it to the pound as a suspected stolen vehicle!
Pootling along Colchester High Street in the 60s on my Francis Barnett Cruiser 80; my mate Tim on the pillion. Both looking at ourselves in Woolworths large windows. Car had pulled out from parking space and was statonary will the driver was getting ready to move off. I went smack into the rear of the car; I slid forwards up the tank (which was already higher than the seat; Tim followed me and shoved me further until I hit the end of the tank and slammed into the top yoke. Bike fell over with me jammed between tank and yoke.......That bloody well hurt.
Second incident, in the late 80s on a Harley Sportster......parked out front of a newsagents in Manningtree. Came out of the shop dreaming about where I was off to, with my packet of fags secured nicely in my pocket; swung my leg all nonchalent like over the seat; switched on the ignition and pressed the starter...... Bike shot forward and the front wheel smashed the shop window. I forgot the bike was in first gear and I hadn't pulled the clutch in......damn thing actually fired up.
Absolutely. It hasn't happened yet though. Saying that I used to know a knobber of a builder who got nicked for drink driving and lost his licence, he was back at work on the Monday and despite being banned for three years carried on driving with no licence, no insurance, no mot - no nothing. He never got caught either it's terrible really and was driving to London most days. I do wonder about this amazing ANPR sometimes...
