Yesterday my young niece asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No love," I replied. "Some begin with, 'If I am elected."
I've been watching so much porn lately, I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in
Just bought some of that 72 hour deodorant and to get my moneys worth I will only wash every 4th day now
My mate had a crazy night last night. He drank 16 beers and peed on a cop car. The joys of being a policeman.
The wife rang from the shops in the middle of football today and said, "Darling, I don't want to walk home in the rain." "Well you'd better run in it then," I replied.
I just got a text from my wife. ''You wouldn't believe it, when I was on my way home from work, it started pissing down with rain, windy, cold, my car's just broken down and I feel like shit. It'll take me at least 2 hours to walk in these conditions. Can you give me a lift please?'' ''Sure.'' I replied. ''Your eyes looked lovely this morning. See you in a few hours love.''
Mate of mine recently dumped his other half after he caught wind that she was cheating on him. after dumping her by text she came to him in the park the next day while he was with me and a few mates of mine and says : “your dumping me, by text, for cheating, once, even though you cheated on me 3 times and i stayed with you!!” at which point my mate turns around to face her and says: “a key that fits many locks is a brilliant master key, a lock that fits many keys is a pretty shite lock” turns around and wanders off. cruel at the time, bloody hilarious now XD
As I sat in the pub last night waiting for my blind date to turn up, I got a text saying: "I can't make it." I thought to myself, "Great, what an absolute c*nt she is." So then I texted my wife back saying: "It's a fecking wardrobe, it can't be that complicated!"
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to go to busy car parks and leave notes on several cars that read "Sorry for the damage" and watch as they start inspecting their car.
My new girlfriend likes to sleep in the 'spoons' position. I'd wondered why she had that really big drawer in her kitchen.
First Jimmy Saville ruins my memories of 'Jim'll Fix It'. Now Stuart Hall has spoilt my memories of It's A Knockout. All I need now is to hear Johnny Morris was a chimp fiddler for my childhood to be totally destroyed.
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France, at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
I normally pay for a prostitute when I'm in Glasgow, instead of going out on the pull. It's a lot cheaper than trying to get a Glaswegian bird pissed.
David Cameron has described tax avoidance as being morally repugnant. It's good to see that he learnt such a strong ethical awareness when he studied at Eton College, registered charity number 1139086.
