Apparently, it takes approximately fifty hours to walk off a Christmas dinner. Or two weeks if you have attended a party hosted by a government minister...
I nipped out to do some last minute Christmas shopping earlier and my missus said, "I need you to get me some Washing powder, Bleach, and a set of Toilet rolls." She can ruddy wait until she opens her presents tomorrow.
If anyone knows of somebody eating Christmas dinner alone this year, with no family or friends, can you please give them my details I need to borrow some chairs....
One of my Christmas presents was an annual subscription to Imodium Monthly magazine… Apparently Part 1 comes with a free ring binder!
Tbe wife said she wanted a hula hoop for Christmas, as she hadn't seen one since she was a girl. I bought her a whole packet, sod the expense...
On Christmas Day we played the Christmas edition of Cluedo… My wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!
My Oscar Pistorious advent calendar that Smirnoff released for Christmas has been brilliant. There was a shot behind every door.
I didn't think the orthopaedic shoes I received for Christmas would improve my posture. I stand corrected..
Yesterday my best friend told me I often make people feel uncomfortable by violating their personal space………..it was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath!
I asked the band Mud if they knew which Welsh market Town was situated seven miles east-northeast of Swansea? They said that's Neath, that's Neath, that's Neath, that's Neath...
I met a chunky lass in the pub last night. She looked into my eyes and said, "Hello, I'm Anita." I looked at her stomach and said, "Yes, you certainly are!"
My mate Dave and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop.…………I've just taken the lead!
A slightly different Peter Kay joke. .....big lass, wearing a T shirt that said GUESS on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"
A shark can swim faster than I can. However, I can run faster than a shark can. So in a triathlon it all comes down to who's the best cyclist.
