I started a new job today. I'm a Barbarian It's just like being a Librarian...................... ....(but I also cut hair)...................
A trucker drives his fully loaded lorry to the top of a hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the centre of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the driver walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the fucking hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the road looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes mate"
"You were wise to call us love, it was a heart attack." Said the medic. "I presume you're going to take him to the hospital now?" Said the worried wife. "Yes we are, though not sure he's going make the journey." Replied the medic. "What??? But he's breathing and talking!!" She cried. "Blame Dave," said the medic, " he didn't put enough diesel in the ambulance when the shift started!"
My wife is trying to persuade me to get a dog. I said: "My ideal dog would be one with soft fur for stroking, not too heavily built, that keeps itself clean, is relatively independent and cheap to maintain... ...Basically, a cat."
My dad came in wearing a ridiculous looking wig. I said; "How much have you paid for that?" He said; "20 quid plus tax." "Tacks?" I said. "Why didn't you get some glue?"
"Hi, I'm Jane," she said. "I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short." "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You ask nicely," I said.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I just drove past a sign that said: 'Watch for blind chldren.' Seems cruel. What's next? Headphones for deaf kids?
The government has announced radical new plans to reduce the length of dole queues. They're going to make people stand closer together.
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate." Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowjob
A local Anorexia clinic is having problems with funding. A doctor has been quoted as saying "our patience is running thin around here at the moment". Just heard about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the jungle.
I was walking down the road and someone threw a lump of cheese at me, 'that's not mature is it?' I shouted at them.
There was a nasty road accident in town this morning, as a Bisto tanker ploughed into a Warburton's lorry. By the time the police arrived, it'd mopped itself up.
My wife has spent the last three hours in the kitchen preparing dinner. I heard pans bashing, dishes smashing and some choice swear words. But what followed can only be described as the finest fucking beans on toast I've ever had.
