I was doing a bit of craft work in my shed. Until my wife came in and ruined it. She unplugged my synthesizer.
I went to the docs and had a health check yesterday. The Doctor asked me "do you participate in anal sex".. I said "not as a rule but if you buy me a few drinks first you never know, your luck might be in"
Took my dog for a check up and the vet said "There's'nothing more detrimental to a dogs health than chocolate." Obviously he knows nothing about Koreans.
At the Olympics we were the best on a bike, and we were the best in a boat. I can't help but feel we lost another haul of medals by not getting the pedalos out.
David Cameron has agreed to allow Scotland to vote on independence in 2014. The Scots will be able to choose between 'Fuckin' right, ya bampot!' and 'On yer fuckin' bike, Jimmy!'
After my wife 'borrowed' my credit card and bought an exercise bike costing almost four hundred quid, she's lost about 2 lb. Or whatever it is three pints of blood weighs.
I was shopping at Tesco and asked one of those wandering assistants, "Excuse me, where can I find a pregnancy test?" "No problem, mate," he said, "they're right beside the condoms." "Listen," I said, "if I knew where the condoms were I wouldn't need a fucking pregnancy test."
A recent study shows that there is racism in the legal system and because of it 1 out of 3 black males at some point in their lives are arrested. Sounds more like a problem with the police force to me, 2 out of 3 criminals are never caught.
Manchester United players are said to be thrilled Alex Ferguson has retired, as they can now get home half an hour earlier.
Apparently there's gonna be a remake of the film The Never Ending Story. It starts off where a man asks a woman how her day went...
Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.
My wife text me and asked me to phone the AA because she had broken down on a lonely country lane. " Is she on her own" asked the AA lady on the other end "Yes, she is" I said "Is she safe ?" " Yeah" I said " just approach her with extreme caution, and preferably with a bun on the end of a large stick"
