Appearing later on computer screens in the USA: America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)
Failed my entry exam for medical school the other day because of nerves. Apparently the correct answer was fractured femur.
Last night a gorgeous hot blond girl told me I was the one. Unfortunately it was during a police Identity parade!
The wife said to me, "It really turns me on to watch you pleasure yourself." So I cracked open a beer and put on Match of the Day.
I came home from work to find a massive beam on my wife's face. "Maybe I should have got a proper firm in to build our extension instead of doing it myself," I thought, rummaging through the rubble.
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. "My mate came off his motorbike today," he said. "Oh really?" I asked. "Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye." "Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then"
Irish Medical Dictionary: Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - What doctors do when patients die Benign - What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan - Searching for Kitty Cauterize - Made eye contact with her Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark Dilate - To live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - Quicker than someone else Fibula - A small lie Impotent - Distinguished, well known Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work Medical Staff - A doctor's cane Morbid - A higher offer Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates Node - I knew it Outpatient - A person who has fainted Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative - A letter carrier Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery Rectum - Nearly killed him Secretion - Hiding something Seizure - Roman emperor Tablet - A small table Terminal Illness - Getting sick at airport Tumour - One plus one more Urine - Opposite of you're out 2x Condoms - To be sure, to be sure.
I was sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69....
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he'll burn his fingers because he didn't wait until it was cool.
I love nothing more than slipping into my leathers, putting my crash helmet on and cruising around town on my new bike. Everywhere I look, I can see people staring at me. They must be thinking things like "How cool is that dude?" and "I wish I had a bmx like that."
