The owner of the local Mexican restaurant accused me of stealing a burrito. I'm innocent, but I took the wrap.
I have been dating a muslim girl. She is nothing like the normal stereotype, she drinks like a fish and bangs like a shit house door in a gale. Her mobile phone has been switched off for a couple of days, so I rang her father last night and he told me she was getting stoned. He is such a cool and understanding dad!
Just been to Turkey on holiday. Found a traditional Turkish bath house. Awesome! They used a solid steel stone ground razor below the neckline, snipped inside the ears and nose, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all of the hairs out of the arse crack, finishing off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. The missus has never looked so good!
So a passenger was forced to land a plane after the pilot fell ill at the controls? Ryanair have since charged the passenger for his seat upgrade.
Q. How do you teach a blonde maths? A. Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
Do they still have Advent Clocks in Scotland? Perhaps they will in the future? N.B. A christian bookshop in Hamburg produced a 'Christmas Clock' in 1902.
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ... 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the sweets for you. 8. You ask for high fibre sweets only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least... 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
The American flag has 50 stars and I think I've figured out what it means. It signifies the average IQ of their population.
Police are warning about another lottery scam in the UK this week. Tickets have gone up to 2 quid, and you'll still probably win fuck-all.
wats the differance between jam and marmalade? you canny marmalade yer cock up yer burds arse. (been debating telling that one, then i thaught fuck it.)
It's ok, you can get away with jokes like that. We're a broad-minded lot on this forum. :wink: See also post #1474
I was talking to my mate in the bar last night. I said, "My wife tried to kill me with her gun last night." He asked, "Why?" I replied, "Because she ran out of bullets."
Miranda Hart is offering a reward for the safe return of her stolen laptop as it contains, "Precious creative projects." Can we all chip in £1 to give to the guy on the condition he throws it in a lake?
