I came home after a night out with work. "You're early," my wife sneered. "I thought you'd be out all night flirting with that slag Tracy." "Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there's no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home." "Aww, you do love me really, don't you..." "Be quiet and cook me a steak."
Bloody predictive text, my ex meant to text "I want you back, I love you".. And it's come out as "Stop stalking me you psycho cunt"
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Paddy took 2stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'. "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced bythe celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated inLondon at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in goodcondition?" "...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
A middle-agedcouple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cellphones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'dsend her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee witha friend. She texted: If you aresleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband,being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Pleaseadvise.
Attempting to Set A New Password: Website: Sorry your password has expired - you must register a new one. User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer? Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one. User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good? Website: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days. User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it? Website: No, you must get a new one. User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember Website: Sorry, you must get a new one. User: OK, roses Website: Sorry you must use more letters. User: OK, pretty roses Website: No good, you must use at least one number. User: OK, 1 pretty rose Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces. User: OK, 1prettyrose Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters. User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter. User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row. User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters. User:OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password, it has already been taken..
The Polish FA have sacked the national team coach Waldemar Fornalik. Making him the only Pole ever to come to the UK to lose his job.
If Polish people only do the English jobs that nobody else wants.. How come Sunderland have never had a Polish manager?
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, posted on the Internet. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan, James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)
I started cheering when the wife told me that Cameron had been murdered last night. Until I realised it was on Emmerdale and not the twat in the House of Commons
I've been invited to my mother-in-law's Halloween party. All my wife's family will be there, wearing crazy costumes. I wasn't sure what to go as, but then I saw an advert for the new series of The Walking Dead, and it gave me a great idea. I'll stay in and watch that instead.
"Too much sex damages your memory." At least that's what I read at the bottom of page 34 at 8:46 on the 24th of May 2007 on flight KL524 from Amsterdam to Rome.
My pitbull swallowed my wife's new watch last night and I'm not happy. Fucking £50 that cost me from Argos! I've just searched his poo and there's no sign of it yet. I've found her hand though so I suppose that's something.
My latest girlfriend refused to have sex until I went to the doctors about my genital warts. Although I prefer to think of it as 'Athlete's Cock'.
I fell asleep at a party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental. No one treats me like a mug.
