My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend. He said, "You know you could do better." "Thanks dad, that means a lot.", I replied "I was talking to your girlfriend."
How to discover all your flaws in less than a minute: Just ask your wife if she has gained weight....
Started the holidays in style last night with a piss up & a punch up. Apparently I may not be welcome at the kid's school nativity play next year...
Congratulations to Theo Walcott whose girlfriend has announced she is expecting a baby. It would have been sooner but apart from an occasional dribble, he kept shooting wide.
How come the Starship Enterprise can travel to far off distant galaxies and everyone they meet has a good command of the English language. And I can't even go down the end of my road...
Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife. Missed her bean.
My wife and I were out with her parents and I was telling them about our new bedroom drapes: I said, "They're magnificent, presented in traditional 16th century English style. I close them and nobody could ever see what the 2 of us get up to in bed together." My wife's mum said, "You have Tudor curtains?" "That's right," I said. "And sometimes I bite her clitoris too."
All I want for Christmas is a nice quiet relaxing time, my kids not trying to beat the shit out of each other, my mother-in-law not to be a cunt, no more fucking socks, and a few beers. But the composers of Mariah Carey's hit decided to ignore my suggestion and opt with 'you'.
The Bank of England is to introduce plastic banknotes that can survive a spin in a washing machine by 2016. Surely that will just encourage money laundering?
Sad news from the Nestle factory where a worker has been seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell 50 feet & crushed him. He tried in vain to attract help, but everytime he shouted: "The Milky Bars are on me!" Everyone just cheered.
I walked into the car showroom and said, "I want to buy a compact Vauxhall." The salesman said, "A little Corsa?" I said, "Ok ya cunt, I want to buy a fucking Vauxhall!"
My mate appeared in court this morning after he was caught stealing an advent calendar. He got 25 days...
Adam and the low budget woman As we all know when god created the world ( and it only took 6 days without unions and steering committees an all that shit ) there was the garden of eden ( I live there now ) and Adam . Now Adam , while being quite good at keeping himself amused ( yeah yeah yeah ... so he invented wanking ) after a while he began to get a bit despondent , and a bit bored with the whole thing ( and besides he had chaffed all the skin off ) so he called upon god and said unto him " God Im bored smile, this is all very good but Ive tended to all the plants , sorted all the rivers and creeks , mowed all the lawns ,picked up all the shit , I even fed the fucking snake. Ive got no one to talk to ( and we all know that when that bitch eventually turned up he wasn't going to get a word in edgewise anyway ) no one to give my love to ( animals learn fast and he couldn't get near them any more) and Im just fucked off with the whole thing and if you don't sort it Im outa here " "well" said God " Ive actually been working on making another human ..... with couple of subtle differences Im sure you'd be interested in , this thing would be called Woman, and its coming along not to damn bad if I don't say so myself , I havnt got the brain right yet but Im picking you wont be to worried about that once you see her , she will , however be honest , faithful, reliable..... a real soul mate , problem is Adam , I cant see a way that I can do this easily , I mean it only took me 6 days the make the perfect world but Ive been fucking about with this for months .... sooooooooo its gunna cost ya an arm and a leg " . " what !!" said Adam " fuck off !! I can get a Desmosedici for that ! .... so your telling me I would have cough up an arm and a leg to get someone honest, faithful , reliable , someone to love and cherish ,a soulmate .... Jesus H Christ you don't half know how to charge .....( thinks about it for a minute )....... What would I get for a rib ?"
