David Cameron has at last made an attempt to visit flooded parts of southern England. Must be something to do with a belated bid to appeal to floating voters...
You have to feel sorry for victims of the floods: Treated like shit by the government, surrounded by human suffering, wading through raw sewage and watching your neighbours being made homeless on a daily basis. It must be like living in Liverpool.
My mate is a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac .... he stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!!
A policeman knocked at my door today. He said, "A few of the neighbours are complaining about the music." I said, "You're joking? It's only 7pm." "I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon." He replied. "One Direction are still shit."
The next door neighbours came knocking on my front door at 3am .... just as well I was still awake playing the drums!
Credit to Tommy Cooper for this one; "my wife just phoned me" - "she said, the car won't start - it's got water in the carburetor" - "I said where is it?" - "she said, it's in the river!"
To all you fat girls out there who did't get a Valentines card, chin up, it'll soon be Pancake Tuesday.
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks. Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat. "Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?" "No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria."
An Australian man killed his son whose mother was English, with a cricket bat. I can't help thinking that if the parents' nationalities were the opposite way round, the kid would still be alive without a mark on him.
Somerset Levels: A new exam being introduced by Michael Gove. Children will hold their breath underwater for 3 hours whilst remembering every King & Queen of England, as learnt by rote.
David Cameron has asked lesbian Tory MP Margot James to take some friends to Somerset & Surrey. Apparently he has heard they are desperately in need of dykes....
My wife said "the dog's missing - he ran off in the park" so I went to find him. Two hours later, no luck - he was nowhere to be seen. "look harder said the wife" - so I shaved my head and got a tattoo, but it didn't help.
