Whenever we have a big fight, the wife has this little trick that always cheers me right up. She fucks off to her mother's..
My mate says his new girlfriend has a cute habit of tucking her hair behind her ear. He sometimes wishes she had 2 ears.....
If there's any vegetarians out there who fancy a really tasty snack, but want the guarantee that there is no meat in it whatsoever, I suggest a steak bake from Gregg's.
If it sounds like a pig, looks like a pig, and behaves like a pig but Chuck Norris says it's a cow... ...then it's a fucking cow.
My wife's just come back from the doctors', where she was told she had incredibly low blood pressure. Can't say I'm surprised though. She's got eight pints of blood in a twenty five pint body.
What has the Kama Sutra and a cookbook got in common? Whatever my wife tries from it looks fuck all like the picture.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar. "Really?" he replied, "so what can you tell about me?" "You're a cnut" I said. "What makes you say that?" he asked. I said, "that's my beer you're drinking."
My wife was on the phone for ages this morning trying and failing to get hold of some Kate Bush Tickets. She was Running up that Bill!
Two blokes in the pub are arguing about who's the biggest liar. One says to the other, "I went over the Niagara falls in a wheelbarrow last week." The other says, "I know, I saw you"
I see Kate Bush is to do her first tour for many years, she is releasing an updated version of her hit called "walking up that gentle incline"
The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.
Walking along the road the other day, I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief..
Oranges can be either male or female: The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye. The females are bitter for no apparent reason.
My favourite joke of all time. Now a little dated. My mate told me to go to the pictures and watch that film "Schindlers list". He told me that I should have a box of tissues ready. So I went to see it, but half-way through I thought, "He must be mental. I can't have a wank to this".
