Q. What's the difference between the Special Olympics & Eurovision? A. Not much if you close your eyes.
News Update: Man who looks like a woman with a beard wins Eurovision. Didn't even know Susan Boyle had entered....
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,... "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn’t make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
A young boy asks his father, "How were people born Dad?" "Well" he said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child pondered this and then went to ask his mother the same question. "We were monkeys" she replies "then we evolved over millions of years to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father upset,"You lied to me; mum says we came from monkeys". "No" his father replied, "your mum is talking about her side of the family."
Apparently Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC. Probably because he's the wrong sex & about 40 years too old....
Osama bin Laden, deceased, reaches the pearly gates. There he is met by George Washington, who slaps him, James Madison, who hits him on the head, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson, and 68 other 18th-century American revolutionaries who all beat him thoroughly. As he writhes on the ground, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
This morning I rang my mate who works as a scientist. On answering his phone he said: "I'm just watching the sperm swimming towards the egg. I may have ruined this fried breakfast."
Every time my mate goes on a protest march he gets pepper sprayed by the Police. He's now a seasoned campaigner.....
Q. What do you call 22 men sat around a TV, watching the World Cup Final? A. The England World Cup squad.
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?" I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said, "Can you see a difference?"
What's the difference between a Rotweiler and a Social Worker? You get your kids back off a Rottweiler
Roy Hodgson wants Emgland to play like Liverpool. Remember how Liverpool played when he was their manager???
