Oscar Pistorious has sacked his current legal team and hired Celtic's after hearing they lost both legs but still got a victory.
Celtic are to change their name to Oscar Pistorius FC. They lost both legs, had 4 shots on target & still got away with murder.
Wayne Rooney says he doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Mind you, he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words...
Like "commitment", "pride", "dedication", "teamwork", "loyalty"..... ? He does know the meaning of the word "money" though - the overpaid thick twonk !
The local dyslexia society just had a trip to the maritime museum. Have of them said they loved it, and the other half hated it..
When I was getting out of bed this morning, I forgot which side the sun rises on... Then it dawned on me...
Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard. I fecking hope it's not new songs....
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the "Stars in their Eyes" stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs." MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year." Much applause. MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?" Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ........................................Simon and half uncle!!
Q. What's the difference between Mark Knopfler & Cliff Richard? A. One is in Dire Straits. The other is in deep shit.
When I was a kid, the older girl next door let me put my hand down her knickers for a Mars Bar. For some reason, that's where she kept them...
Mick and Sheamus are trying to get themselves out of the Army when Mick hits on a foolproof idea. "I'll tell ya what Sheamus we'll both get out by pretending to deaf" A while later they're both sitting outside the doctors office, when a man in a white coat opens his door and beckons Mick to follow him inside. On his way to his desk the doctor says "Shut the door pease" so Mick turns around and shut it. The doctor says "You are wasting my time as you obviously haven't got a hearing problem let alone deaf, now get out of my office before I have you up on a charge!" Mick walks out and quickly whispers in Sheamus's ear "Whatever you do don't shut the door!" As before the doctor comes out and beckons Sheamus into his office, and true to form says "Shut the door pease" To which Sheamus replies "Shut it yourself!"
Back when he was doing Film 2010, Jonathon Ross was stopped in the street & asked what he thought of War Horse. "It's better when medium to well done." He replied.
Teacher asks her class "which part of your body goes to heaven first"? Little Johny puts his had up "I know miss, I know miss, your legs"!! "Your legs Johny"? "Yes Miss. I've seen my mum laying on her back with her legs in the air saying "God I'm coming"!!
