News reports claim a light plane has hit the big wheel at a fairground. Apparently the pilot is slowly coming round.
An Irishman is walking on the beach when he finds a brass oil lamp and a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Irishman says: “I’ve no doubt what my first wish is, genie. Give me a bottle of Guinness that never runs out!” The genie hands him a bottle and the Irishman takes a long swig but it’s still full. He pours some into his hands and laps it up - and the bottle is still full. No matter how much he pours, the bottle never runs out. “Master, you still have two more wishes,” says the genie. “I know what I want,” says the Irishman. “Give me two more just like this.”
The Queen was in Glasgow at the Commonwealth Games and she bumped into Alex Salmond. HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond. AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King? HMtQ: No, we don’t like that. AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor? HMtQ: No. AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince? HMtQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said “Have you ever shoed a horse before?” I said “No, but I once told a donkey f*ck off”!”.
Found on the iPod (whatever that is) of an old fart: 'You’re So Varicose Vein' by Carly Simon 'How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?' by the BeeGees 'I Can’t See Clearly Now' by Johnny Nash 'These Boots Give Me Arthritis' by Nancy Sinatra 'Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom' by the Commodores 'I Get By with a Little Help from Depends' by the Beatles 'Talking’ ‘Bout My Medication' by the Who 'Bald Thing' by the Troggs 'You Can’t Always Pee When You Want' by the Rolling Stones
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
40 years ago Rupert Murdoch said, "Topless women sell newspapers." Dunno where he lives, but it's always been a fat, smelly old bloke in the newsagents on our road.
Q. How many Daily Mail readers does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but thousands of them will know how to do it better & will blame immigrants for the fact that the old one packed up.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
