Joke Page

At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.

 

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

 

Have been walking around with a Granny Smith sellotaped to my wrist all day to beat the apple watch queues, makes it a c*nt to put your jacket on though

 

If the the answer was Cock Robin, what was the question?


"What's up my ass Batman?"

 

A bloke standing at a bus stop, when his mate comes over and says "Hello Harry"
To which he says "don't call me Harry, call me lucky Harry"
"Oh yeah" says his mate, "Why's that then?"
" Well after I'd seen you yesterday, the bus came along mounted the pavement and killed everyone except me"
His mate replies "Fuck me that was lucky, lucky Harry, I'll see you tomorrow"
Harry replies "Yeah I'll see you tomorrow George."
The next day George sees Harry and says" Hello lucky Harry"
to which Harry replies "Don't call me lucky Harry, call me lucky lucky Harry"
Again his mate says "Oh yeah why's that then?"
"Well" says Harry " You know when we were talking yesterday, no sooner had you gone around the corner a chimney stack fell on the bloke behind me in the que and totally flattened him, and look at me not even a scratch!"
"Well double fuck me" says George," that was lucky, lucky lucky Harry, I'll see you again tomorrow"
The next day George walks over to Harry and says "Hello lucky lucky Harry" and Harry replies, "Don't call me lucky lucky Harry, call me lucky lucky lucky Harry"
"Bloody hell" says George, "what happened after I saw you yesterday then lucky lucky lucky Harry"
Harry replies, " After I saw you, I got on the bus and went home, when I arrived there was the Mrs standing at the top of the stairs bollock naked, so I've stripped off; and there we were having a great time when after 5 minutes, a brick came through the bedroom window and hit me on the arse!"
George was a little confused and asked "So whats so lucky about that, lucky lucky lucky Harry ?"
To which Harry replies; "5 minutes earlier and it would have been my head !"

 

A bloke spends 18 months doing up his garden with beautiful rose beds, all sorts of different flowers herbs etc, the lawn is absolutely immaculate with stripes running the length of it, and it's crowning glory is his newly dug and landscaped fish pond.
So off he sets down to the local fish specialists.
The owner says "good afternoon sir how can I help?"
The bloke explains that he wants some of those big ornamental fish that he'd seen in a Koi magazine; so the owner takes him over to the holding tanks.
The owner says "Here we have the glorious golden Koi, which at £1500 for two is a bargain"
The bloke nearly craps himself at the price, and asks if there was anything cheaper.
The owner replies "Yes of course sir, we have these silver sided Fuji Koi from Japan, and between me and you sir a bargain at a mere £1000 a pair"
The bloke is still alarmed by the price of the fish and asks if there was something cheaper still.
The owner takes him to another tank and says "Well we do have these sir, Burnished Koi, which although they aren't up to show standards, won't leave sir too embarrassed to show them off to his friends and neighbours. We can do sir a special deal at £500 a pair"
The bloke says "Listen mate all I want are a few fish to put into my new pond so as to make it look nice, and to be honest I haven't got £500 + to spend on fishes"
So the owner brings the bloke to another tank and says "Here we have the"
The bloke quickly interrupts and says "I'm not interested in their name just tell me how much they are"
The owner replies "I can do a pair for a fiver or 5 for £20"
"Bargain" says the bloke "I'll take the 5 for £20" pays for them and leaves.
When he gets home he puts them into his pond and goes to bed.
The next morning, he's woken up by his wife who is rather panicked.
"Jon wake up and have a look out of the window"
The bloke gets up, and is horrified to see his once pristine garden covered in crap, old hard core strewn far and wide with dirty nappies all over the place, the once striped lawn is torn to shreds and the new fish have disappeared from the pond.
He gets dressed jumps into the car and drives straight to the fish specialists.
The owner greets him and says "Yes Sir what can I do for you on this bright and beautiful day?"
The bloke explains what has just happened to his once beautiful garden, and the owner replies, " Well I do believe it is Sirs fault for being in such a rush yesterday"
"How's that then?" says the bloke
The owner replies " When I was about to tell Sir the name of the fish that he was about to buy, he said that he wasn't interested in the name just the price"
"So what's that got to do with the state of my garden? says the bloke.
"Everything" says the owner," because the name of the fish that Sir purchased was in fact Diddy Koi!"

 

Don't get it.

 

Didicoy - it's another word for Pikeys...

 

Oh ok thanks for the insight! Makes it funny now ! :Banghead:

 

I haven't seen such an explicitly racist joke for a while now. Pushing the boundaries, are we?
Didicoy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia