An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Alex Salmond has been proved right: Scotland will continue to be able to use the pound after 18th September.
While on honeymoon an Irish couple were sitting down to breakfast; when at the table next to them a honeymooning American says to his wife "Pass the honey, honey" Mary turns to Mick and says " Sure isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard" A while later the American says to his wife "Pass the sugar sweetness" And again Mary turns to Mick and comments on how romantic the couple next to them are. So Mick is determined not to be outdone, he clears his throat and says in a raised voice, "Pass the bacon pig!"
Oliver Hardy: "Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?" Stan Laurel: "Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?" Oliver: "Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?" Stanley: "No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck." Oliver: "Was he building a house?" Stanley: "No, they were hanging him."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
. “I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
I went into the Chemist shop & asked, "Could I have a bar of soap please?" The Chemist replied, "Do you want it scented?" So I said, "No thanks, I'll take it with me."
My mate is off to work in Saudi for 3 months. He told me he's bought an Optimate for his motorbike & a vibrator for his wife. He says he might as well leave them both on a trickle charger.
