Just after my mother in law was admitted to hospital, the doctor brought me the awful news: "She's going to be fine"..
Wasn't just taking a Flier. Meant sailfish. Perhaps we could Drum up interest to take this elsewhere? Maybe over a cup of Char?
I was looking through the Classifieds for a dog the other day and i think I found one, redeeming features were listed :- "eats anything, loves children"
I was at the pool today and tried for a sneaky piss at the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Rocco's roommate is. As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Rocco volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Rocco saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So Rocco sat down and wrote this email: Dear MaMa, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Rocco .... Several days later, Rocco received this response from his MaMa: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving MaMa
A lady goes into a tattoo parlour and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlour two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on her upper left thigh. Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos. She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Essex girl goes to the tattoo parlour. "What can I do for you today love?" Says the artist. "Iv'e been thinking about it for a while and I would like a small Bee on each of my bum cheeks." After an hour she returned home where she found her boyfriend on the sofa watching the footy with a can of Stella. She promptly drops her kecks and bends over right in front of the telly. "What do you think of these? " she says "Who the fuck is Bob?"
A man has recently been admitted to hospital with six My little ponies shoved up his arse. His condition is described as stable.
The wife has never had an orgasm before, and the doctor suggested that she could be over-heating during sex. So I decided to get my mate Dave round, to waft a towel on us while we're in the act. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so Dave suggested a swap. "I'll do it & you waft the towel"'. Within seconds my wife was screaming with pleasure and she finally had the best orgasm ever. I then turned to my mate Dave and said. "That my son, is how you waft a towel."
I've got a new trick, I can swallow two pieces of string. When they come out of the 'other end', they're tied together........I shit you knot!
My father-in-law was full of good advice: "Why go out for a burger, when you've got a fat cow at home."
