If u had sex every day for a year, kept all 365 condoms, melted 'em down & made a tire out of the rubber, what would u call it?... A FCUKING GOODYEAR!
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever... Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
If you cross an onion with a donkey, do you get a vegetable with long ears ... or an ass that makes your eyes water?
A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his dick on the counter. The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!" The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."
Went to the doctor. He said I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is you're not a hypochondriac ...
Just got back from the Doctors about my self harming issue. He said it wasnt a problem self harming is a sign of mental illness and nothing to be ashamed about. I should go home and stop beating myself up about it.
If the woman you sleep with snores, it is important to learn how to tune out the sound. Otherwise it might put you off your stroke.
Reminds me of a little rhyme/song: Ro-Ro-Rohypnol, Till she starts to snore, Quietly get your tackle out, And use her like a whore.
Despite my wife snoring her f**king head off last night, not once did I kick, punch or say a word to her. I couldn't... the fat c**t had rolled on top of me.
A man joins a funeral procession and notices that the coffin is sideways. He approaches an acquaintance that's walking behind and asks him who they're burying. "My mother-in-law" says the friend. "And why sideways?" "Shut up" replies the friend lowering his voice "if we lie her facing up she starts snoring."
[TABLE="width: 100%"] [TR] [TD]After a recent oil disaster in Nigeria, President Goodluck Jonathan said he would pay compensation to all of the bereaved families. He then asked for their sort code and account number to enter their compensation into their bank account.[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE]
A woman just came up to me with an unlit cigarette. She asks "have you got a light, cock?" I replied, "well it does floats in the bath!"
Woke up this morning and after clambeing out of bed took a long look at my naked body in the mirror, it was at that moment I thought " Im gonna get kicked out of Ikea in a minute."
