Last night I saw a gorgeous fit woman sat all alone so having plucked up courage and tensed my biceps, I went over and said, "you look lonely, do you mind if I sit with you?" "Actually I do!" she replied, "Only lifeguards can sit up here!"
Following Antony Worrall-Thompson being cautioned for shoplifting, my mate swears he just saw Nigella Lawson running out of Tesco with two large melons under her coat.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine? I turned a whole student grant into vodka once. Your turn Jesus.....
The missus bought a Paperback down Dymocks, Saturday, I had a look in her bag; T’was “fifty shades of grey”. Well I just left her to it, At ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread….. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down on the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Doris hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week. Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. Things went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled up upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and… Said…. I must dominate her!! Now if you knew our Doris, You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction For the last complaint I’d muttered. She stood there nude, naked like; Bent forward just a bit …. I thought what the hell, Stepped forward, and stood on her left tit! Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; Good gracious, what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!! Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair,…. Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
Three rules of old age for us gents: 1) Always go for a pee when you are near a toilet. 2) Never trust a fart. 3) Never waste an erection, even if you are on your own.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close". He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights".
And Jonothan Ross has been arrested for stealing something from the cookery dept. at Harrods. He told police he thought it was a whisk worth taking.
Back in the early 20th century, an Austrian physicist did a lot of research into why the breasts of the ladies in his family were all different sizes. It became known as Einstein's Theory of Relative's Titties.
