Joke Page

My mate is obsessed with female dwarfs.

He reckons the local WH Smith is a good place to pick up little women.

 

My mate is opening a brothel that will boast the widest range of prostitutes in the world.

He's calling it: 'Clitoris Allsorts'.

 

Enjoying a few pints in the local yesterday when a coach full of blind people on a day out pulled up & the driver asked the Landlord if they could play football in the field behind the pub.

"Sure." Said the Landlord, "But how can they play football if they're blind?"

"Easy." Said the driver, "There's a bell inside the ball, so they know where to kick."

20 minutes later, the driver rushed in & yelled, "Quick! Come and help, they're kicking the shit out of the morris dancers!"

 

I don't plan to pay 5p for a carrier bag.

Not when they seem to be growing on so many trees & in the hedgerows..

 

5p for a supermarket carrier bag isn't good value.

Not when you can get a whole trolley for just £1.

 

Q. What do you call an Englishman with his hands on the Rugby World Cup?

A. The engraver.

 

At the funeral of a Roman Catholic friend, his family advised I should make the sign of the cross on entering the church.

So I shook my fist furiously.

 

At a funeral today, I asked the vicar for the church wifi password.

He replied: "Have some respect for the dead."

I said: "Is that all lower case? With or without spaces?"

 

Tyson Fury has claimed he is not a homophobe.

He just prefers a caravan to a house.

 

Crossword creator James Peregrine never made a fortune from his efforts.

But he did make enough to buy a small house in Somersham, Cambs.

Villagers report it's the two up two down one across the street.

 

Beat the mother in law when we pulled the turkey wishbone.

She'll be in for a hell of a shock if my wish comes true and Dignitas start offering a 'click & collect' service.

 

Sent the wife a text saying I wanted an ale whilst we had Christmas dinner.

For some reason, she buggered off to her mother's & hasn't come back.

 

After yesterday's match, Ryan Giggs hasn't been as anxious since his brother came home ten minutes early.

 

Apparently Giggs had it in for his brother for years....