Joke Page

For her birthday this year, the wife has asked me for "something that goes from 0 - 200 in less than 6 seconds."

I've bought her a new set of bathroom scales...

 

I went to an old-fashioned barber for a shave.

He put a small wooden ball into my mouth, explaining this would push out my cheeks to give a smoother shave.

I asked, "What if I swallow it by accident?"

He replied, "No problem Sir, just bring it back a few days later like everyone else does."

 

Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen.

That's where the knives are kept...

 

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages

No further comment needed...

 

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.

 

A young colleague asked me what it's like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

 

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to shout "BINGO!"

 

Q. What's the difference between a new wife & a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

Why is the man who invests other people's money called a broker???

 

This evening I farted in an elevator.

The wife said it was wrong on so many levels.

 

Stalking is when two people go on a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.

 

Never argue with a fool. They will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

 

My mate is worried his new girlfriend may be a prostitute.

The label in her knickers says 'next'.

 

The lottery: A tax on idiots who don't understand maths.

 

My wife dresses to kill.

She cooks the same way.