Joke Page

What my wife thought from our first four dates:

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow, a nice second shirt.

3. Ok. First shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.....

 

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept, and the hours are lost.

 

Q. What do your mother in law and a slinky have in common?

A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

 

Why do dogs race to the door when the doorbell rings? It's hardly ever for them.

 

A lot of the conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the architects of the day had made towns big enough for everyone.

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-----g tie.”

 

The wife suggested I go on the internet & buy one of those penis enlargers.

So I did. She's 21, and her name is Veronique.

 

My mate has got a job in a factory making chessboard pieces.

He's on knights next week.

 

A group of seniors from the old-folks home were on an organized coach tour.

After about an hours travelling, the driver pulled into a service area for the mandatory comfort break.
Whilst everyone was getting off the coach, one little old lady whispered into the driver's ear, "Driver, I think I've been victim of a sexual harassment a few miles back."

The driver, without wanting to question the lady's word, promised that he would keep an eye open, so that nothing similar would occur again.
A little later on when the coach stopped again for lunch, another little old lady went up to the driver and said in an agitated voice, "I've been the victim of a sexual harassment."

This time the driver began to take these allegations seriously, and when everyone had descended, he walked slowly and carefully towards the rear of the coach, looking for any tell-tale signs of perversion.

Suddenly he came upon a bald-headed, little old man rummaging about on all fours between the seats.

The driver, quick to react, pulled the man up by the back of his jacket and said, "Well my dear man, and what d'you think you're up to?"

The man looked at him, and replied, "Well, you see I've lost my hairpiece, and I'm looking for it. Twice I thought I'd found it, but both times it had a parting in the middle, whereas mine has a parting on the side!"

 

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say 'goodbye' 300 times.

 

My granddad told me the Army charged him £50 when he lost his rifle during WW1.

That must be why Navy Captains go down with their ship.

 

The new blonde in our office told us how she thought it was really cool that the Chinese have made a language entirely out of tattoos.

 

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

 

The closest my wife has been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from her browser history.