"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?"
I know why the wife sucks her stomach in when she stands on the bathroom scales. It's the only way she can see the numbers.
Paddy walks into a doctor's office, sits down and says "Doc, this may seem kinda strange.... but I have 5 penises" The doctor, taken aback asks "My god man! How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove "
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:’I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.’ His second friend says:’I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.’ Paddy says:’I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’ Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. ‘No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland, rescuers are searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they hear a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!" The rescuers shout "Where are you?" "I'm in room 236."
A week after my mate bought a bull, he complained to me, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” I suggested. The next week, my mate was much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told me. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” I asked. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
We've got a little mouse in our house called "Elvis". I don't know if Elvis was his real name, but he was "Caught in a trap".
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me." Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
For her 50th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split. "So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked. "Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
An old man walks into the doctors reception area and asks to see a doctor. The Receptionist notes he doesn't have an appointment so asks him what is wrong with him. "It's my prick" says the old man in a loud voice. The Receptionist turns puce and says he shouldn't just come out with words like that. It's embarrassing for her and the waiting patients who could clearly hear. "Say you have something that is not rude in polite company, now go away and try again." He returns 5 minutes later. "Can I see the doctor please." "What's wrong with you?" She asks. "It's my ear." He says. "And what is wrong with your ear?" She asks, happy that the patient is playing to her rules. "I can't piss out of it." He replies.
A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "How on earth did you manage that?" "Easy," said Tommy, "My wife's an epileptic."
My mate told me that between the end of October & the beginning of May, he kisses his wife's ring piece every day. I asked him why he does that & he replied, "Got chapped lips." I then asked, "Does that cure them?" He replied, "Nope, but it stops me from licking 'em."
The Latest (true) News From Hull... Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.” Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame. “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.” Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
