Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
50 Sheds of grey We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?" I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
If Wm Hill's had been offering odds on Stuart Hall getting a tug, I would have put £50 on it weeks ago. True story. I knew it! I just knew it. Edit: Oops, forgot the joke. Uh ... Nick Clegg. (Sorry, best I could come up with on the spur of the moment)
My wife's always telling me I've got OCD She's got it wrong..... I've actually got CDO It's similar, but the letters of mine are arranged alphabetically!
[SIZE=+0]In the world of hi-tech gadgets, more and more people who send text messages and emails increasingly drop the use of capital letters. [/SIZE] For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following ... Capitals make the difference between . . . . helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and . . . . helping your uncle jack off a horse. You've been warned.
The mother in law's just had her first car crash today. Mind you, she had three yesterday and two the day before
After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink. Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their achievements. "A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for sheet metal," says the American surgeon. "All that was left of him was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that he put 50 other guys out of a job." "That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job." "You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my clinic. I used the matter to create a new anus, then I used my patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job." "Why haven't we heard of this?" says the American. "What's his name? "Cameron, David Cameron."
What's the difference between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neal Armstrong was the first man on the moon and Michael Jackson liked to play with young boys
Rudolph, how dare you steal jokes from Sickipedia ! Now stand in the corner and repent before Stuart Hall comes looking for you
I was at a party last night where a girl latched onto me. The girl, Lorraine, was quite attractive but she was wearing really strong perfume to the extent that it was making my eyes water and it impaired my vision. Lorraine had to leave early and she parted from me with a kiss and a hug. A little later the hostess came ove and seeing my puffy eyes asked if I was OK. 'Don't worry,' I said 'I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone'.
A friend of mine has recently appeared in court for the twenty-eighth time, charged with stealing supermarket trolleys. He told the Magistrate he keeps trying to go straight.
